Curiosity Killed the Cat

I'm awful. I shouldn't have. But I did.

I just had to know if she wrote one of her stupid blogs about me. Or Tara. Soooo, I used Riannon's myspace (I know...I still know her password...I'm a horrible ex) and low and behold, I found the most hurtful letter, which neither of us would have been able to read of course. But curiosity got the best of me.

And so, since I don't plan on hacking into Riannon's myspace again before I leave (well, maybe I will, but this one sounded pretty final), I figured I'd put the letter here in case I need to process it again. I've always thought Ashley overreacted and was the one to be the victim, but this letter is pretty convincing. The only thing that really bothers me is the last paragraph. I don't know...too much to process.

Invisible Letter to an Invisible Person

be it incredibly childish, i felt the need to delete you from my myspace, and write you a letter you will never read.

why?
b/c im finally happy without you.


you have done nothing but give me pain and grief for the past 6 months
and before that- while i felt it was a dream come true, you made me jump through hoops that i should have never had to.

i don't know exactly how to define love,
but constantly proving oneself isn't it.

you wonder why i always compared myself to her?
b/c you forced me for MONTHS to compete with her.

i will never do that to her
she deserves every ounce of love i have to give.


you weren't ready for my love, and yet you took it.

you weren't ready to let go, but you did.

you didn't mean to shatter my world, and yet you crushed it.


i thought for a long time that you were my world.

then i thought that you destroyed my world.

now i know you were simply living in my world.

and all that power i thought you had? i gave it to you.

and thus- its mine to take back now.


i am stronger now than i was when i was with you.

im sick of you trying to play the victim.

im sick of you claiming to hurt.

im sick of having my happiness stolen by your texts.

im sick of feeling powerless over you.

im sick of allowing myself to care about your emotions.

its not my problem anymore.

it never was my problem.

i wash my hands of it.


i couldn't fix you then.

i can't fix you now.

stop looking at me to give you the answers.

the only answer you will get from me now is:
"take care of yourself-goodbye"

Seriously?

Scratch that, I now have something else to keep my mind occupied.

I fucking hate dyke drama. And whatever these crazy lesbian codes are that I'm not sure if I've even broken. This is why I stay away from lesbian circles these days, but even doing that apparently doesn't help when you talk to even 1 lesbian who is connected to ppl in the circle.

Seriously, why should it be any of her business, it's not like she didn't bring this on herself. If she wasn't lying about her feelings then she wouldn't have put herself in this situation in the first place. I guess not that I'm complaining cause I don't regret anything that's happened...not that I really tried to make this happen or anything, just...I hate drama. Especially immature, backhanded drama, like being deleted from someone's myspace friends. Who even CARES about that enough anymore to go through the effort of deleting someone. It's not like we've really talked in the past 4 months, so you can't claim that we were ever great friends to begin with. Whatever.

If you have a problem, say it to my face instead of blabbing it all of our mutual friends. That's all I want.

Thank god I'll be out of the country in 6 days (only reason I'm excited about that aspect) and won't have to deal with dyke drama for much longer.

I know I'm cryptic. I've already been the talk of the "town" (haha, I make my own puns), I'm not trying to bring more drama to my life.

Thinking

Lots on my mind. I leave for Uganda in a week, and I couldn't be more excited about the adventures and the people and the life-changing experiences that are just around the corner. However, there are beginning to be some things that are hard to leave behind, and in the same way, I can't be leaving them behind soon enough.

We're about halfway through week 3 of dad's chemo, and he's really started to react to it now. He doesn't really get out of bed much, and when he does, he just grumbles and moans and complains. Of course he does, chemo sucks. But this has been his outlook on life for so long, that it's hard to deal with it getting worse instead of better. I hate when my dad plays the victim, I hate when he's sick. It's like he's not even the dad I know right now...I can't even talk to him about anything. I haven't been able to for awhile. It's almost like he doesn't exist in this house...I rarely even see him, even when he's home all day. He just lays in bed and sleeps with the bedroom door closed.

Will this get better? How can he stand even more chemo treatments...how long does this have to go on? What if he reaches a point where he can't take any more? Will he quit chemo and that will be the end of it? In a way, I hate being in my house right now because it makes me upset to see him so sick, and I get so mad that he's this way. It makes me want to leave so badly. But at the same time, I'm scared that things will get worse, and it'll be harder for my mom once I'm gone. 5 months is a long time. Anything can happen.

I just don't know. How did all of my posts become about my dad lately? I don't even realize I think about it so much until I sit down to write and this is what comes out.

At least my other blog will be happier. I hope! I made a separate one for Africa since I wanted my parents to have something to read and I obviously was not about to give them the link to this one. If you wanna read that one too, it's amanimeanspeace.blogspot.com.

Anyway, I was gonna write about other things, but I'm tired. Peace out.

Out With the Old, In With the New

So I know this is a few days late, but I'm sitting in Maine, killing time until my sister in law comes back from work and takes me to the airport. What better time to figure out my new years resolutions? Even though I hate new years, I don't mind new years resolutions. I mean, I think you should be able to start over new any time you want, but at least for me it gives me a good reason to be a better person and to think about all of the crazy stuff that happened over the past year.

Kind of hard to believe it's already 2009. That's WAY too close to the year of graduation. Scary. But anyway, 2008 was a really good one, despite the way that it started (as a shit show, at a party with Riannon, of course. That's one thing I'm glad to have OUT of my life, girlfriend shitshowyness).

2008 came with the worst break up I've gone through, and the happiest time of my life after it was done with. It also came with more stupid attempts at long distance...whatevers....and meeting some really interesting people at school.

It came with a new amazing relationship with my mom that pretty much appeared out of thin air. It also came with a somewhat worse relationship with my dad, which also kind of appeared out of thin air.

It came with new friends at school, a new little sis (!), a new living situation, new fantastic jobs, and new grand adventures. Like I said, I think 2008 was my best year yet.

Sooo...here are the new years resolutions to go with (hopefully) an even better 2009:

Family
Stop being angry at my dad for being sick, and help him get rid of cancer for good.
Have the "I like girls" talk with the rest of my extended family aka niece my age and other sis in law (even though they already know)
Go on more family adventures and vacations

Friends
Be nicer and less judgemental in general
Stay in touch while abroad!
Find new gay friends at school and at home that aren't dramatic, petty or weird.

School
Figure out how to graduate on time!
Go to office hours more often with really cool professors
Get more active on campus with Africa related things
Start thinking about what I want to do with my life after Graduation

Myself
Be open to new experiences, be less afraid of change, and get everything possible out of study abroad!
Keep up with gymnastics
Eat healthier while at school
And finally...make life fun, no matter what!

Wow, that was a lot. Hopefully I'll keep them this year! =)

Happy New Year!

let it snow!

i <3 snowboarding. and i <3 my snowboard. i don't <3 wiping out and hitting my head on the icy snow, but i'm not really complaining. my board is amazing! i may not be able to move for the next few days, but as soon as i'm recovered i'm going again!

I'm not even really sure what to say. Today oscillated between being so amazing and so...I don't even have a word to describe it. It was amazing because even after 3 years, the gym girls can all still get together (well, you know, the core ones that actually still care) and we can sit up and talk until 2:30 in the morning about everything under the sun. Even if we don't all talk during the school year, it's just like so amazing to me that we can all get together and still have so much to talk about and not have it be awkward! And seeing Kurt is always so good, even when he makes awkward comments about Lexa's nails and kisses Jordan on the cheek. It was just a really good night to take my mind off of the emotions of the day.

But then of course, in the 10 minutes that I drove from Allison's house to mine, I started thinking again. I don't think this is going to be coherent, cause even my thoughts are really jumbled, but I just started thinking about how my mom is sleeping alone in her bed tonight and how sad that makes me. My dad went to the hospital this morning to get a procedure done (I'm not really sure what, they don't really keep me informed and I usually choose to keep it that way), but my mom called later in the day to tell me that they found a few tumors in my dad's bladder and that they were most likely caused by the radiation treatment for his prostate because prostate cancer isn't really known to spread to the bladder. In which case, the tumors will probably to continue to come back as a result of the radiation. I kept trying to ask my mom what that meant, but she didn't really give me an answer, other than that he has to go back in a month to get another cat scan. But what does this mean for the bigger picture? Are they just tumors or are they more cancer? I'm scared to know the answer.

As I was finally starting to deal with that, my mom called back again to say that my dad was going to stay in the hospital over night because he had an irregular heartbeat. While she did text me later to say that his heartbeat was regular again and the cardiologist said that things were fine, he's still staying in the hospital tonight.

There are so many things going through my head and I don't really know how to sort them. There's the one category where I almost feel so disconnected from all this, like it's not happening to me. It's like over the past few years, I've come to see my dad as so old, almost like he's not my dad anymore but my grandfather. So while this seems like something that could happen to a grandfather, it doesn't seem like something that should be happening to my dad. Theoretically. But then, I feel like my whole life my dad has been sick (which isn't actually the truth), so this also just seems like a new turn.

Then I have thoughts about how sick and weak my dad is. And how uncomfortable I am with that idea. My mom asked if I wanted to go visit him in the hospital, and while part of me knows that I ran out of time between being in Fair Oaks and going to visit the gym, part of me also knows that I probably wouldn't have gone anyway. I can't stand when my dad looks so weak and sick, almost to the point where I'm angry at him for being that way. For some reason, in my head it's his fault that he's this sick because he hasn't taken good enough care of himself. In my head, it's like he likes being this sick because then he gets attention. But it's not okay. I don't want to be mad at him for being sick, but I want him to fight harder!

What really throws me over the edge though is thinking about my mom, sleeping all alone in that bed. How does she feel? What is it like to be fighting for your husband to stay alive when you feel so healthy? I almost have no doubt that my mom will easily live to be 100, which means she could live another 30-40 years of her live without my dad. That's the thought I can't stand to bear. Am I a bad person for worrying more about my mom than my dad? I want my dad to be okay, but if he isn't, I can't stand the thought of what it will do to my mom. I don't want this to be happening.

Am I freaking out over nothing? My mom tells me these things, and immediately I go into "how long will he live" mode. I don't know if we're there yet. I feel like I've been in this mode since sophomore year of high school, and it's faded into the background of all of our lives, probably more because I haven't been around. But it just seems like lately things have been piling up. I know that everyone has to die. It's unavoidable. But I want to believe that it can't happen in my life, not to someone I know. I can't wrap my head around the idea that one day my dad might not be here. It's even harder to grasp that that day might be here sooner than I think. That's not real. It's just not.

I just don't know. I really don't. I don't even know how to talk about this because I've spent the past 5 years pretending that my dad's not sick. He hasn't been. Not to me. But is he? I just don't know.

Kirsten, if you read this before I tell you...sorry I didn't say anything tonight. It's easier not to think about it, and I still don't know how I feel about it or what even to say about it so I just didn't say anything. I wanted to worry about other people's problems for the night and not think about my own. So, yeah.

Snowboard!!

=) Helloooo Burton Feelgood! Isn't it prettttyyyy? I wish I was taller because I liked the other colors better, but it does change colors in the snow! It also has a lot of cool features, but I can't remember what they are. I don't officially get it til Christmas, but it's sitting all pretty in my dad's closet. I keep going in there to look at it haha. I'm determined to go at least once a week...who's in?!