Freakin funk. Can you go away please? I hate this weird time between fall and holidays, it always makes me homesick and depressed. Doesn't help that I'm becomming increasingly jaded by people in my life (is that the right word? read: in disbelief that people are actually acting the way that they are). The lack of normal people around me is making me wonder if normal people really do exist. By normal, I mostly mean people that aren't disillusioned and unbelievable in the way that they act/think. I'm starting to feel like I could count more people that are pretty off compared to the number of people in my life that are down to earth and real.
It's depressing.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Weekend!
Yay it's thursday!! AKA the weekend in my books =) Given, I still have 3 more hours of class, but right now I just can't focus. Right now, I'm super stoked about the gymnastics meet, even though it's not til november 8th! And I started thinking about all of the things I want to be able to do by then, so I decided to make a goal sheet. What better place to make it then here?
Floor:
Floor:
- I want to get my full back on the floor. I think I could do it, I just need to not be mental.
- Handspring front pike...which I can already do. So I just need to put it in the routine.
- Be able to do a half as my last pass? I haven't really decided how that will look.
Beam:
- Front handspring! Even if I don't connect it with anything
- 1 1/2 turn + wolf jump 3/4. Maybe.
- Everything else I already have!
Vault:
- Oh vault. If only I could think about throwing a tsuk again. If not, I suppose I can just do a handspring or a half on. Lame.
Bars:
- Is non existant. In my dreams would I be able to do bars again. Or maybe not in my dreams. I'd rather save my hands.
Ummm, who's excited?! Yeah, that would be me. Good thing the meet's still another 2 months away!
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Final Thoughts and Conclusions
After all of that ridiculous writing and thinking last night, I think I've figured out what I need. Don't laugh cause I know this is obvious, but basically what I have to say is that I'm excited to see her when she comes to visit, but that I'm having serious doubts about my ability to do long distance, that I feel like it's taking me away from living my life here in Berkeley and that it's causing me stress. The issue I think would be a lot different if I went to school near home, but it's just unreasonable for me at this point in my life. Sometimes I just feel like I'm not at a point in my life when I'm mature enough for that kind of commitment. So there.
Now I'm just not sure how to go about telling someone such a thing.
On another note, I super duper love (go ahead make fun) living in the house, and being able to walk across the hall to someone's room to talk about the most random things. It's one of those things that just makes me so happy. And again, I just LOVE being an alpha chi. Okay that's enough.
xoxo
K
^i've watched too much gossip girl for my own good. so shoot me, i live in a sorority.
Now I'm just not sure how to go about telling someone such a thing.
On another note, I super duper love (go ahead make fun) living in the house, and being able to walk across the hall to someone's room to talk about the most random things. It's one of those things that just makes me so happy. And again, I just LOVE being an alpha chi. Okay that's enough.
xoxo
K
^i've watched too much gossip girl for my own good. so shoot me, i live in a sorority.
Monday, September 15, 2008
All Hail the Heartbreaker
...so maybe this spill canvas song is actually about being heartbroken, but the title seemed fitting. If you didn't know, that heartbreaker is me.
I don't think I've ever gotten all gross and mopey and cry-y so many times in one day over so many different things. First it was Carmon - it's not like I really knew her at all...meeting her once in passing at Pride doesn't really count as knowing someone. But I met her. And now she's gone. It doesn't really seem to affect me until I look at the groups on facebook (stupid I know) - when you read about how people are hurting and think about how much life she had to live, she was about to turn 21, and now it's just gone. I was pretty much a bawling mess earlier. Stuff like this just gets to me.
And then there's this whole Amy sitch (where the heartbreaker comes in). There's a reason I don't do long distance. Somehow, I always manage to forget what that reason is. Or I keep thinking that maybe things can be different. But they're not. When it comes down to it, I'm just still not ready for a relationship, especially still after psycho Riannon. Sometimes especially today I'm mad at Amy, like she pressured me into this. I told her from the beginning that I wasn't ready for anything serious. And I also told her how I was opposed to long-distance. Yet somehow, she kept trying, and now somehow we're dating. But then again, if I found someone that I really liked who would keep talking to me even if they weren't ready for anything serious, I probably would keep trying little by little to make something happen. So I can't be mad.
There's the whole issue of how I know she likes me a lot more than I like her. How does this always happen to me? When will it be my turn to be the heartbroken? Is that a stupid thing to think? I just wish I could know what it feels like to not constantly worry that I don't like who I'm supposed to like. At the same time, I almost feel like right now I need to be single. I'm going abroad in the spring, shouldn't I just have fun until then? I feel like I'm limited here and that it's not worth it because things will just end in a few months anyway. Like what's the point of being with someone for 4 months when you see them for maybe a total of 1 month of that time. Seems silly.
It's also hard when I feel like she's pretty insecure. Sure she can be the guy, but she still is constantly asking me if I'm having doubts or if I'm dumping her etc etc...maybe I just give off that vibe? I don't like long distance. Even simple things are hard when you're across the freakin country. It doesn't even really help to know that she's coming to visit in a few weeks. The fact that she set up the whole trip and is kinda like broke now is showing me even more that she likes me kinda way a lot more than I like her.
I think she's an awesome person. She's driven, down to earth, sensible, fun, caring, interesting. But being in a relationship with anyone right now might just not be what I need. Regardless of who it is. The fact that maybe 3 of my friends here know about her, and the fact that I don't want to really tell anyone at all probably says something. Like maybe this is a relationship I don't want to be in.
I don't know where to go from here or how to deal with this.
I hate always being the heartbreaker. I think I'm doomed.
I don't think I've ever gotten all gross and mopey and cry-y so many times in one day over so many different things. First it was Carmon - it's not like I really knew her at all...meeting her once in passing at Pride doesn't really count as knowing someone. But I met her. And now she's gone. It doesn't really seem to affect me until I look at the groups on facebook (stupid I know) - when you read about how people are hurting and think about how much life she had to live, she was about to turn 21, and now it's just gone. I was pretty much a bawling mess earlier. Stuff like this just gets to me.
And then there's this whole Amy sitch (where the heartbreaker comes in). There's a reason I don't do long distance. Somehow, I always manage to forget what that reason is. Or I keep thinking that maybe things can be different. But they're not. When it comes down to it, I'm just still not ready for a relationship, especially still after psycho Riannon. Sometimes especially today I'm mad at Amy, like she pressured me into this. I told her from the beginning that I wasn't ready for anything serious. And I also told her how I was opposed to long-distance. Yet somehow, she kept trying, and now somehow we're dating. But then again, if I found someone that I really liked who would keep talking to me even if they weren't ready for anything serious, I probably would keep trying little by little to make something happen. So I can't be mad.
There's the whole issue of how I know she likes me a lot more than I like her. How does this always happen to me? When will it be my turn to be the heartbroken? Is that a stupid thing to think? I just wish I could know what it feels like to not constantly worry that I don't like who I'm supposed to like. At the same time, I almost feel like right now I need to be single. I'm going abroad in the spring, shouldn't I just have fun until then? I feel like I'm limited here and that it's not worth it because things will just end in a few months anyway. Like what's the point of being with someone for 4 months when you see them for maybe a total of 1 month of that time. Seems silly.
It's also hard when I feel like she's pretty insecure. Sure she can be the guy, but she still is constantly asking me if I'm having doubts or if I'm dumping her etc etc...maybe I just give off that vibe? I don't like long distance. Even simple things are hard when you're across the freakin country. It doesn't even really help to know that she's coming to visit in a few weeks. The fact that she set up the whole trip and is kinda like broke now is showing me even more that she likes me kinda way a lot more than I like her.
I think she's an awesome person. She's driven, down to earth, sensible, fun, caring, interesting. But being in a relationship with anyone right now might just not be what I need. Regardless of who it is. The fact that maybe 3 of my friends here know about her, and the fact that I don't want to really tell anyone at all probably says something. Like maybe this is a relationship I don't want to be in.
I don't know where to go from here or how to deal with this.
I hate always being the heartbreaker. I think I'm doomed.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Russsssssshhhhhhh...
...is amazing! I don't really know why I'm enjoying it so much to be honest, but at the end of each day I'm sad we don't have any more parties. Meeting all of the girls going through is really cool (7 rush crushes, anyone?), and I totally get to just stand/sit there and brag about alpha chi all day, which I like to do anyway so it totally works.
AND they all love us!! Which is like super amazing...apparently we've been getting some of the highest return rates and we're in the top 3 houses being talked about!! Take that *cough* kappa *cough*. And at least we're real and down to earth about it, that's the best part.
Only down side: I have no life. My reading is piling up like crazy and trying to get Invisible Children and Gulu Walk going is kind of a hectic process. Not to mention, you know, trying to stay in touch with friends and parents and such. I'll be excited to have a life again and not be stressed, but not so excited to be done with the excitement of recruitment. But I guess that'll just mean our brand new baby alpha chi's!!!
Ummm, what else is new? I like almost all of my classes which is kind of strange...in fact I only have one that I truly despise and that's the same one that I hated last year so no surprise there. I also haven't really been in a mood to party much since I got here, except for last thursday when the first (almost) full week of classes was done...and I pretty much died that night. Hense I will not be going out again any time soon. So much for this whole being 21 is awesome thing.
Mmmmm feelings. I don't like those. I have to figure out what they are before tomorrow. Why am I so awkward? I'm not meant for this whole thing. Yes, I'm uber vague. Deal with it. If you must know, ask...then you can give me advice!
Wow can you say rambling?
<3
K
AND they all love us!! Which is like super amazing...apparently we've been getting some of the highest return rates and we're in the top 3 houses being talked about!! Take that *cough* kappa *cough*. And at least we're real and down to earth about it, that's the best part.
Only down side: I have no life. My reading is piling up like crazy and trying to get Invisible Children and Gulu Walk going is kind of a hectic process. Not to mention, you know, trying to stay in touch with friends and parents and such. I'll be excited to have a life again and not be stressed, but not so excited to be done with the excitement of recruitment. But I guess that'll just mean our brand new baby alpha chi's!!!
Ummm, what else is new? I like almost all of my classes which is kind of strange...in fact I only have one that I truly despise and that's the same one that I hated last year so no surprise there. I also haven't really been in a mood to party much since I got here, except for last thursday when the first (almost) full week of classes was done...and I pretty much died that night. Hense I will not be going out again any time soon. So much for this whole being 21 is awesome thing.
Mmmmm feelings. I don't like those. I have to figure out what they are before tomorrow. Why am I so awkward? I'm not meant for this whole thing. Yes, I'm uber vague. Deal with it. If you must know, ask...then you can give me advice!
Wow can you say rambling?
<3
K
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