let it snow!

i <3 snowboarding. and i <3 my snowboard. i don't <3 wiping out and hitting my head on the icy snow, but i'm not really complaining. my board is amazing! i may not be able to move for the next few days, but as soon as i'm recovered i'm going again!

I'm not even really sure what to say. Today oscillated between being so amazing and so...I don't even have a word to describe it. It was amazing because even after 3 years, the gym girls can all still get together (well, you know, the core ones that actually still care) and we can sit up and talk until 2:30 in the morning about everything under the sun. Even if we don't all talk during the school year, it's just like so amazing to me that we can all get together and still have so much to talk about and not have it be awkward! And seeing Kurt is always so good, even when he makes awkward comments about Lexa's nails and kisses Jordan on the cheek. It was just a really good night to take my mind off of the emotions of the day.

But then of course, in the 10 minutes that I drove from Allison's house to mine, I started thinking again. I don't think this is going to be coherent, cause even my thoughts are really jumbled, but I just started thinking about how my mom is sleeping alone in her bed tonight and how sad that makes me. My dad went to the hospital this morning to get a procedure done (I'm not really sure what, they don't really keep me informed and I usually choose to keep it that way), but my mom called later in the day to tell me that they found a few tumors in my dad's bladder and that they were most likely caused by the radiation treatment for his prostate because prostate cancer isn't really known to spread to the bladder. In which case, the tumors will probably to continue to come back as a result of the radiation. I kept trying to ask my mom what that meant, but she didn't really give me an answer, other than that he has to go back in a month to get another cat scan. But what does this mean for the bigger picture? Are they just tumors or are they more cancer? I'm scared to know the answer.

As I was finally starting to deal with that, my mom called back again to say that my dad was going to stay in the hospital over night because he had an irregular heartbeat. While she did text me later to say that his heartbeat was regular again and the cardiologist said that things were fine, he's still staying in the hospital tonight.

There are so many things going through my head and I don't really know how to sort them. There's the one category where I almost feel so disconnected from all this, like it's not happening to me. It's like over the past few years, I've come to see my dad as so old, almost like he's not my dad anymore but my grandfather. So while this seems like something that could happen to a grandfather, it doesn't seem like something that should be happening to my dad. Theoretically. But then, I feel like my whole life my dad has been sick (which isn't actually the truth), so this also just seems like a new turn.

Then I have thoughts about how sick and weak my dad is. And how uncomfortable I am with that idea. My mom asked if I wanted to go visit him in the hospital, and while part of me knows that I ran out of time between being in Fair Oaks and going to visit the gym, part of me also knows that I probably wouldn't have gone anyway. I can't stand when my dad looks so weak and sick, almost to the point where I'm angry at him for being that way. For some reason, in my head it's his fault that he's this sick because he hasn't taken good enough care of himself. In my head, it's like he likes being this sick because then he gets attention. But it's not okay. I don't want to be mad at him for being sick, but I want him to fight harder!

What really throws me over the edge though is thinking about my mom, sleeping all alone in that bed. How does she feel? What is it like to be fighting for your husband to stay alive when you feel so healthy? I almost have no doubt that my mom will easily live to be 100, which means she could live another 30-40 years of her live without my dad. That's the thought I can't stand to bear. Am I a bad person for worrying more about my mom than my dad? I want my dad to be okay, but if he isn't, I can't stand the thought of what it will do to my mom. I don't want this to be happening.

Am I freaking out over nothing? My mom tells me these things, and immediately I go into "how long will he live" mode. I don't know if we're there yet. I feel like I've been in this mode since sophomore year of high school, and it's faded into the background of all of our lives, probably more because I haven't been around. But it just seems like lately things have been piling up. I know that everyone has to die. It's unavoidable. But I want to believe that it can't happen in my life, not to someone I know. I can't wrap my head around the idea that one day my dad might not be here. It's even harder to grasp that that day might be here sooner than I think. That's not real. It's just not.

I just don't know. I really don't. I don't even know how to talk about this because I've spent the past 5 years pretending that my dad's not sick. He hasn't been. Not to me. But is he? I just don't know.

Kirsten, if you read this before I tell you...sorry I didn't say anything tonight. It's easier not to think about it, and I still don't know how I feel about it or what even to say about it so I just didn't say anything. I wanted to worry about other people's problems for the night and not think about my own. So, yeah.

Snowboard!!

=) Helloooo Burton Feelgood! Isn't it prettttyyyy? I wish I was taller because I liked the other colors better, but it does change colors in the snow! It also has a lot of cool features, but I can't remember what they are. I don't officially get it til Christmas, but it's sitting all pretty in my dad's closet. I keep going in there to look at it haha. I'm determined to go at least once a week...who's in?!

Snowed Out?

Yup, sitting here in the airport. My flight was supposed to leave an hour from now at 11:30. Instead, I'll be here until 1:30 am at least, waiting for our flight to depart. I don't understand what this "east coast" weather is, seeing as how it's not snowing in D.C....but it must be crazy! I better arrive home to a white Christmas, that's all I'm saying.

Wanna hear what I'm traveling with? I checked two bags, one weighed 68 pounds, the other weighed 48. Had to pay $70 for that. Then onto the airplane I'm bringing my AXO bag filled with clothes, my backpack, a purse and a slew of jackets that wouldn't fit into anything. I'm a little worried they're not gonna let me on the airplane, but I guess we'll find out! I will just be so happy to unload everything at home and not worry about carrying it around anymore. Trying to plan for 3 different types of weather - Virginia winter, Uganda spring and Virginia summer. Talk about extremes. SO ANNOYING. Oh well, I'll worry about it when the time comes.

Hmm, a plane just unloaded, maybe it will be one of mine! Haha yeah right, not 45 minutes before the plane was actually supposed to leave in the first place. Maybe I'll take a nap...

I'll Do Whatever it Takes to Be an Alpha Chi!

This is what I've been doing instead of studying...

http://www.vimeo.com/2566351

We're just that bad ass.

Chase Me

I wish I was better at playing hard to get.

In other news, we're counting down the days til the first final. As of tomorrow, there are 4 days. Expect at least 2 more posts between now and then considering I will still probably be ahead of the studying schedule. Maybe next time I'll actually have something real to write about and my life won't be a complete bore!

Dead Days

Today was straight up glorious. I knew I had to think of something to do with my day of absolute nothing to do, so I decided to go into the city and do my own thing. I started out in Union Square going in a few of the shops and doing a little book-xploring, and then realized that I wanted to go to the beach instead! So I found my way to the Muni which took me all the way to Ocean Beach. It was beautiful there, with tons of surfers, seagulls, gorgeous mountains in the background and just tons of room to walk up and down the beach. It was amazing. And so peaceful. I sat and watched the surfers, read my book, walked out to the water and stuck my toes in the FREEZING cold pacific ocean. It was just glorious. The best way to send a dead day out of Berkeley when everyone else is stressed and studying their asses off. So now that I've finally been to a beach in northern California, I felt compelled to make a list of all of the things that I want to do in norcal before I graduate. So here it is:

Half Moon Bay
Learn How to Surf
North Berkeley
Rose Garden
Go Snowboarding at Lake Tahoe
Muir Beach
Take a picture with the golden gate bridge in the background
MOMA
Berkeley Art Museum
49 Mile Scenic Drive
Wine Tasting in Napa
Oakland/SF Zoo
Make it to the top of the Fire Trail
See a show at Zellerbach
Bars: Kips, Triple Rock, Pyramid, Jupiter, White Horse, Castro Bars
Love Fest
Bay to Breakers
DeYoung Museum
San Francisco Ballet Nutcracker
Redwood Forest – Sequoia National Park
SF Pride, LA Pride
Stinson Beach
Bago to a Football Game
Go to a Women's Volleyball, Field Hockey, Softball, Soccer, and Rugby Game and Men's Rugby, Soccer and Gymnastics Game/Meet

I'm sure I'll have more to add, but this seems like a pretty good list for now. I'm going to have a lot to do when I get back from being abroad! But it's really exciting. I'll pick one of them to do tomorrow hopefully!

Can You Say Boredom?!

What. The. Hell.

It is finals week. About to be finals week at least. 2 more days of class. And I am utterly bored out of my mind. Would you like to hear why? Oh, maybe because I have a joke of a final tomorrow that I'm not gonna study for until like 20 minutes before class. Or maybe because my official finals don't start until the 18th, and even that one is only 50 multiple choice questions. So what do I have left to do? Yeah, the answer is pretty much nothing. I can't begin to tell you the number of hours I have wasted on the computer in the last few days. I really need a new project to work on or something to do out of the house or just SOMETHING! I'm even almost all done with my christmas shopping since I've done most of it online. Is that not just pathetic? Ew. I really could have taken a 5th class this semester. Ahh well, hindsight is 20/20.

We had a SUPER interesting discussion in soc class today. We had to read about our generation and porn and how we're the hook-up generation, and then we actually discussed that in lecture! It's weird to take what are basically the events of your life and have them be analyzed, but it's why I like being a soc major. It's kind of cool.

God, even my posts are boring. What the hell is wrong with me?! Someone get me out of this boring rut.

Good News!!!

...My dad doesn't have to start chemo yet!!!! =)

More to come later.

Thoughts

Glorious jetlag has me awake at 9 am on a day that I don't have class until 3:30. Lovely. But it's okay, I have A LOT to do, and probably a lot to write about also.

Where to begin? I guess I'll talk about by dad first. I had a really good talk with him on my last night at home. We talked about how I want him to take better care of himself and try to get in shape so that whatever happens with the chemo will be easier for his body to handle. I'm still really scared about how he'll react to the chemo, but he's going to delay it for a little bit so that he can try taking another dose of one of his medication. Hopefully that will bring his PSA down. My biggest fear right now is that he'll start chemo shortly before I leave for Uganda and then things will take a turn for the worse while I'm gone. I'm so scared of not being there if something bad happens. Just the though of it makes me start crying. I can't think about that.

I also think that the conversation made my relationship with my dad 10x better just in one night. He also showed me his journal from when he biked across Canada, and a newspaper article on him about how he ran all the time. Reading the article made me appreciate my dad so much...he had so much passion for running! In the article, he said he wanted to keep running until the day that he died. It must be really hard for him to not do it anymore. Reading the journal is also SO cool! It's like reading somebody's adventure diary. He's a really good writer, and it's like reading about his self-discovery. It's weird to make the connection between what I'm reading and who's actually writing it. It's really cool though, it makes me so glad to have the dad that I do. And that's a big step from the beginning of the week even.

There's also drama in the sorority right now, which I hate. The minor slate didn't pass last night, which is good. Now though, someone nominated me for assistant CRIC, which is a position that I really wanted. But Gillian and Jenn are also nominated, and if we all accept the nomination then we won't get the 71 votes we need to reslate the position. So I don't know what to do. I don't want to be selfish, but I really want that part during recruitment! I know Jenn shouldn't have it, and if I drop out maybe she will too, and Gillian could have it. I dunno, I'm really torn about what to do. I know I'll be really sad come pre-recruitment not to have a position. Even if I have one of the day chair spots. I just want all of this drama to be over! We have until wednesday night to get all of the signatures, so I need to decide ASAP if I accept the nomination. ARG! I guess I'll go talk to Meredith about it and see what she thinks.

So I was going to write about happier things, but this is all that came out. And now I need to start my epic pounds of homework. So farewell for now.

I Don't Want to Think About This

A topical thanksgiving post. The things I'm not thankful for, basically.

My dad went to the doctor today and they said he has to start chemo. They're putting a catheter into his chest permanently and he's going to get the drugs through it. He starts in a few weeks I think. Most of this I found out through my brother, or through my dad talking to my sister in law. He's acting like it's not that big of a deal. My mom's upset but is putting on a good face. My brother didn't know that my dad was so sick. And me, I don't know how I feel.

I'm upset. I'm not shocked. I'm angry. Really angry at my dad for not taking care of his health, for eating whatever he wants, for gaining weight, for ignoring my mom's attempts to help him get in shape. For ignoring me when I tell him that it makes me sad that he's so unhealthy. And now? Now I feel like it's too late. People that go through chemo are the ones that need it for a last resort - which is what this is in my dad's case. I feel like I've just been fooling myself for the past few years that he would get better.

Is this really when I have to start worrying about him not being here to see me get married and have kids?

Epic. Totally Epic.

Thanksgiving so far has been of epic proportions. I'll give you a list so far:

• Lunch at Busboys and Poets, where the waitress thought that Vic (my niece) was my daughter. Epically good.
• National zoo with the kiddies, in the rain and freezing cold. Where it apparently wasn't as freezing cold as I thought it. Okay, so it was like 45 degrees, which some claim is still warm. I beg to differ.
  
• Going out to the movies with Lex to see the dumbest movie - Role Models. It was pretty much awful, and no one else was in the theatre with us. It got me outta the house though, so I won't complain.
  
• Finishing 2 bottles of wine on the floor of my room, eating crackers and cheese and gossiping about everything until 3:30 in the morning.
• Baking cookies and making cookie ice cream sandwiches with the nieces.

And now we're watching 101 Dalmatians. It's been epic fun so far. More adventures to come!

DONE!!

17 pages of glorious paper...written! I have never written anything of such epic proportions before. But I'm done!! No more homework for the rest of the time before break!!

Thanksgiving break in 2 days!

Life?

Wow it's been extremely long since I've written anything in here. After that whole dyke drama deal I just haven't been the mood to think much. And I've also pretty much been a paper-writing factory for the past week...I've written 3 papers and I'm working on the 4th and final 15-20 page paper. I have so much to do before Thanksgiving break! And now that I'm flying home in like 4 days, it's really hard to make myself focus on anything school related.

I've also become a HUGE nerd and joined okcupid...I actually shouldn't be telling anybody this lol but it hasn't been too weird so far. It's actually really addicted with all of the quizes and tests and it's pretty much just a time sucker. It's great. I can't believe the number of to-do lists that I've written in the past few days. It's just absurd how much homework I have to do...missing 3 days of class next week was maybe not the best idea.

Ummm, there's really nothing else going on in my life currently. I'm just so excited to see my parents, and sleep in my own bed, and visit Alexis at tech and just be at home. The semester is almost over! Can you believe it? Basically 2 more weeks of class and then break and then it's off to Uganda! There's so much to do to prepare for it, that requires a whole other set of to-do lists. My life is just one big to-do list.

Oh I forgot about one exciting thing! I got a job canvassing for the HRC! I'm not sure how good I'm gonna be at it, but I have orientation the day after classes end, and then I'll work two days during finals week. It sounds really time demanding - you have to do 2 days 9-5 each week...but you make really good money! Mostly I'm hoping that it'll be able to transfer over to DC for winter break so I'll have a job and can make money before I go waste it away in Europe and Uganda.

So much to think about! Hopefully t-day break will be full of relaxation and de-stressing from all of this school non-sense. It's actually amazing how fast this entire semester has gone when I'm not tied to someone at home...it really makes life much more enjoyable. I should really remember that lesson in the future.

Well, now that I've rambled for a sufficient amount of time, it's off to bed! Night!

I can't wait to go home. Get me out of here, seriously.

Fuck My Life

AHHHHH. This weekend has been ridiculous. I don't even know where to begin. Hmmm, how about I met a girl last night. Her name is cera and she's amazing. She went through recruitment this year and ended up in DG, so I knew her name and through some facebook stalking trying to figure out what houses girls ended up in, I discovered that she was gay. Didn't really think much of her cause I didn't meet her during recruitment, but lo and behold she's part of cal queer womyn and is best friends with a girl that I know...thus we met last night at "Thrust" (haha) the gay night at Blakes.

So we hit it off really well last night - she's really spunky and in your face, so she was really friendly so it was easy to talk to her, unlike all of the other girls in cal queer womyn who are just...odd. And MEAN! Anyway, I'll get to that later. So Cera and I hit it off, and after a lot of drunken dancing all over Blake's, we started making out, and proceeded to basically grope each other all over the dance floor for the next hour. Basically, it was amazing.

Until. Until someone came up and told her that Kaitlin (her best friend, the one that I know who is also gay) ran home crying because I told her that I liked Cera and then ran off and started dancing with Cera. And I told her that I thought it was because I thought Kaitlin liked me and then Cera got all worried about Kaitlin and ran off after her. So I didn't get her number :-( I facebook messaged her last night when I got home apologizing for the dyke drama and saying that I had fun still blah blah blah but she hasn't responded yet. And I know she's been on facebook. What if she just never responds? I always have these stupid doubts!

I even tried calling Kaitlin today to make sure she was okay and she didn't answer so I have a feeling she's not talking to me. Fucking dyke drama. I hate it.

God. I have a very serious love/hate relationship with crushes. Right now, I hate them.

Ugh.

Mind Over Body?

So I have these things that I need to write about. It's stuff that's always on my mind, and I'm not trying to be melodramatic, it's just there. So if you're going to read, please don't judge. It's just a disclaimer.

I woke up this morning and stepped on the scale, hoping that there might be some change in what I've been fighting with for awhile, and I thought I was doing better. But for some reason, I'm gaining weight instead of losing it. I'm pretty close to being back up to the weight that I was at the end of freshman year, and I don't understand why and it's completely pissing me off and frustrating me and making me feel hopeless and I just broke down. I feel like no matter what I do, it's not working and I have this visual in my head of me just constantly expanding. I know it's not entirely about the weight, because I have been working out more and the weight gain could be muscle, but I'm trying to base it on how my jeans fit - and right now they don't fit comfortably. I'm not happy with my body.

When did this all start? I know it was in the back of my mind towards the end of my gymnastics career but I don't think it was fueled by that. Of course, I wasn't the skinniest of gymnasts, I definitely had my fair share of Shawn Johnson legs, but I was pretty happy with my body and at least felt comfortable in it. Flash forward to the end of freshman year, and that happiness was pretty much gone. I had gained the freshman 10 (or more), mostly because I didn't know how to exercise without doing gymnastics, and I didn't know how to eat without doing that exercise. So I ate a lot and never worked out. Pretty much, it was a problem. This may have been when my anorexic mindset started, because I can remember at least one day that I refused to eat until dinner, and then when I did I still didn't feel any better. But I think it stopped after that one day - I just wasn't cut out for not eating. Not for me.

Flash foward to the summer after freshman year. I was determined to lose the weight that I had gained and at least look like an athlete again. I started keeping a diary of everything that I ate and weighing myself every morning. And I definitely cut back on what I was eating. At that point though, I think I was still being pretty healthy about everything, I just had an anorexic mindset in that I would feel bad everytime that I ate and would constantly worry about gaining weight. But somehow, it started to work. I was losing some weight, not a lot, but a little, and I was starting to feel better.

In walks Riannon. I don't mean to blame all of my problems on her, and I honestly can't say how things would have gone if she hadn't been in my life, but she was, and that's when things got worse. Riannon didn't like to admit or acknowledge that she didn't like to eat (aka, had an eating disorder) but looking back she definitely did. And I was eager to impress her, so when I was with her I would never admit to being hungry. She didn't eat dinner, I didn't eat dinner. She didn't eat breakfast, I didn't eat breakfast. By the end of the summer, I had lost 15 pounds. About halfway throught the summer, or even before that, I had stopped exercising. I've never really admitted it to myself, but those were definitely anorexic tendencies.

Problem was, I felt good about myself. I bought new pairs of jeans, and then those got loose, and I felt happy. I liked the way that I looked, and was proud of my body. Sure that might be twisted, but that was the way that I felt.

So the summer ended, and I came back to school. Sure enough (good or bad), while I still had that mindset, I didn't keep those anorexic eating habits. I ate dinner again (with the exception of a few days scattered here and there when I refused to eat more than yogurt and toast), started to exercise again, and somehow I was still keeping my weight down. It wasn't until the end of sophomore year that I really started to feel like I was gaining major weight again. I still don't understand where things shifted - why I didn't gain weight in the fall and why I did in the spring. In any case, this past summer didn't reverse the weight like the previous summer had, probably because I wasn't following an anorexic girlfriend around. I wasn't completely comfortable with my weight all summer, but I still wasn't overly obsessive over it. I wanted to continue to lose weight, but I didn't feel gross.

Fast forward to today. Like I said, whatever I'm doing, it's having the opposite effect of helping. I actually cried this morning when I saw how much I weighed. Which is stupid, and silly, but it's the way it is. Those jeans that used to be loose on me? Only one of them still fits. I want to be able to fit into all of those jeans again (I could all summer long!), and I want to feel comfortable in my body again. I know that it's a lot about my mindset and not my actual body, but that fact doesn't change the way that I feel.

I'm trying to patient and do this the healthy way. I can pick out some things to not eat that would make me healthier and lose weight (such as sweets and cheese), and that wouldn't be so bad. Sometimes I think that I know how to do it the correct way, but my brain tells my mouth to eat like I'm never gonna be fed again. No matter how much I think that I want to lose weight, my will power just doesn't seem to match that. And I don't even mean not eating all together, but just not eating the things that aren't healthy. So that's my real next step. I talked to my mom and Jon about it today, and I know what changes I'm gonna make. I just wish I could see quicker results so I could know if it was actually having any effect. Because if it doesn't, I don't know what I'm going to do.

I can't believe that I just wrote that much on my weight. If I actually told you what I weighed when I checked this morning, you would probably laugh and tell me to stop obsessing. But I can't. So please don't.

*Insert Creative Title Here*

So much going on these days. Mostly right now I'm freaking out about study abroad. Why does it have to be that I need to take at least 2 classes this summer in order to graduate on time? Why does it have to be so difficult to figure all of this stuff out from out of state? And why do I have to figure out what my travel plans are for after my program by the middle of November?! That's so not enough time.

Ugh. I'll write a real update later.

Blahhh

I. Hate. Midterms.

And being sick.

And not being able to sleep because of being sick.

And staying in every night of the weekend to study.

And clingy/intense/emotional girls.

Basically, I hate my life. At least until Friday.

Obama-ama-ama-ama

I have Umbrella stuck in my head and then remembered this story I wanted to tell about Obama...hense the name of this post.

So I was on the bus in SF with my parents on Sunday, going from the Ferry Building to Fisherman's Wharf. There were 3 hispanic girls sitting around us, and they started talking about Obama because they saw a guy wearing an Obama shirt. One of the girls asked if the others wanted Obama to win. The one replied, "nawww, I don't want that Obama guy to win." The other girls asked her why and she said "I just don't." The other one who had been asked replied, "McCain is just like another Bush." This made her friend change her mind, and she said so, but the first girl didn't hear her so she repeated: "She just said that dick Republican dude is like another Bush. So I don't want him to win. But Obama's an A-rab." At first I didn't really know what she was saying but then she said it a few more times and I figured out that she was saying that Obama was Arab. Really?!?!?! The friend who had asked if they wanted Obama to win said "No no no that's just a rumor. I don't think it's a fact." One of her friends replied "There should be a hispanic dude running for president." She countered with "Yeah, but he would turn out to be a dictator. They all are. The president of Nicaragua is a total dictator right now." And then they started talking about other things.

But seriously?! I didn't think people actually thought that Obama was Arab!! How ridiculous. I thought it was funny though what they said about McCain.

Alright, that's my story of the night!

again? really?

shit. i'm so homesick already. and my parents are still staying in the hotel down the street. i said bye already, they leave tomorrow at 7 am. i just miss my mom a lot already. =(

Hodgepodge

So much has gone on since the last time I wrote! Lets see, where to begin...

Amy left today. She's been here since Monday. It's weird...the whole time she was here I kinda wanted the week to be over, but now that she's gone I kinda miss her. Having her here was interesting - she's not like any of my other friends, especially in the house (duh). It was also just weird to have to hang out with someone all week long. I think that's why long distance is maybe good, cause you don't have to always hang out with them. But anyway, I feel kinda lonely now that she's not here. The week was cool cause we did so much (like the botanical gardens which i've never been to!) and I like adventuring with her, but I kinda feel like we have no chemistry. I feel more final about things being over (at least the officialness of all of it). Enough about that.

My parents are here! They got here yesterday morning and it's been really fun hanging out with them. My mom and I hiked up to the big C today and then they came to watch me coach the little kids (which is just so effing awful because they don't listen in the least bit). Tonight we also went out to dinner with Cody, Meredith, Annie and Gillian and it was really fun! My mom didn't embarrass me, and I think the girls actually had a good time! I have a feeling I'm gonna get really homesick when they leave. I already feel homesick, and they're still here. Why am I so mopey?!

On a good note, I got into my Uganda Study Abroad program!!!! I got the long awaited email the other night, saying that they expanded the program from 27 to 28, so I got a spot! It feels so good to finally be able to say with certainty that I'm going. But now I have a shit ton of paperwork to fill out and it's all due 2 weeks from the day I accepted which was like minute they sent the email. Just to add to the lovely busyness of the next few weeks. I can't wait for October 26th after midterms will be over and all of the walks that I have to organize and everything. Count down!

This post made no sense, I'm aware. I'm sooo tired, and I have to work in the morning. AKA I'm going to sleep. Night!

Mmmm

Freakin funk. Can you go away please? I hate this weird time between fall and holidays, it always makes me homesick and depressed. Doesn't help that I'm becomming increasingly jaded by people in my life (is that the right word? read: in disbelief that people are actually acting the way that they are). The lack of normal people around me is making me wonder if normal people really do exist. By normal, I mostly mean people that aren't disillusioned and unbelievable in the way that they act/think. I'm starting to feel like I could count more people that are pretty off compared to the number of people in my life that are down to earth and real.

It's depressing.

Weekend!

Yay it's thursday!! AKA the weekend in my books =) Given, I still have 3 more hours of class, but right now I just can't focus. Right now, I'm super stoked about the gymnastics meet, even though it's not til november 8th! And I started thinking about all of the things I want to be able to do by then, so I decided to make a goal sheet. What better place to make it then here?

Floor:

• I want to get my full back on the floor. I think I could do it, I just need to not be mental.
• Handspring front pike...which I can already do. So I just need to put it in the routine.
• Be able to do a half as my last pass? I haven't really decided how that will look.

Beam:

• Front handspring! Even if I don't connect it with anything
• 1 1/2 turn + wolf jump 3/4. Maybe.
• Everything else I already have!

Vault:

• Oh vault. If only I could think about throwing a tsuk again. If not, I suppose I can just do a handspring or a half on. Lame.

Bars:

• Is non existant. In my dreams would I be able to do bars again. Or maybe not in my dreams. I'd rather save my hands.

Ummm, who's excited?! Yeah, that would be me. Good thing the meet's still another 2 months away!

A Tear (or 80) and a Sigh of Relief

I think I did the right thing.

Final Thoughts and Conclusions

After all of that ridiculous writing and thinking last night, I think I've figured out what I need. Don't laugh cause I know this is obvious, but basically what I have to say is that I'm excited to see her when she comes to visit, but that I'm having serious doubts about my ability to do long distance, that I feel like it's taking me away from living my life here in Berkeley and that it's causing me stress. The issue I think would be a lot different if I went to school near home, but it's just unreasonable for me at this point in my life. Sometimes I just feel like I'm not at a point in my life when I'm mature enough for that kind of commitment. So there.

Now I'm just not sure how to go about telling someone such a thing.

On another note, I super duper love (go ahead make fun) living in the house, and being able to walk across the hall to someone's room to talk about the most random things. It's one of those things that just makes me so happy. And again, I just LOVE being an alpha chi. Okay that's enough.

xoxo
K

^i've watched too much gossip girl for my own good. so shoot me, i live in a sorority.

All Hail the Heartbreaker

...so maybe this spill canvas song is actually about being heartbroken, but the title seemed fitting. If you didn't know, that heartbreaker is me.

I don't think I've ever gotten all gross and mopey and cry-y so many times in one day over so many different things. First it was Carmon - it's not like I really knew her at all...meeting her once in passing at Pride doesn't really count as knowing someone. But I met her. And now she's gone. It doesn't really seem to affect me until I look at the groups on facebook (stupid I know) - when you read about how people are hurting and think about how much life she had to live, she was about to turn 21, and now it's just gone. I was pretty much a bawling mess earlier. Stuff like this just gets to me.

And then there's this whole Amy sitch (where the heartbreaker comes in). There's a reason I don't do long distance. Somehow, I always manage to forget what that reason is. Or I keep thinking that maybe things can be different. But they're not. When it comes down to it, I'm just still not ready for a relationship, especially still after psycho Riannon. Sometimes especially today I'm mad at Amy, like she pressured me into this. I told her from the beginning that I wasn't ready for anything serious. And I also told her how I was opposed to long-distance. Yet somehow, she kept trying, and now somehow we're dating. But then again, if I found someone that I really liked who would keep talking to me even if they weren't ready for anything serious, I probably would keep trying little by little to make something happen. So I can't be mad.

There's the whole issue of how I know she likes me a lot more than I like her. How does this always happen to me? When will it be my turn to be the heartbroken? Is that a stupid thing to think? I just wish I could know what it feels like to not constantly worry that I don't like who I'm supposed to like. At the same time, I almost feel like right now I need to be single. I'm going abroad in the spring, shouldn't I just have fun until then? I feel like I'm limited here and that it's not worth it because things will just end in a few months anyway. Like what's the point of being with someone for 4 months when you see them for maybe a total of 1 month of that time. Seems silly.

It's also hard when I feel like she's pretty insecure. Sure she can be the guy, but she still is constantly asking me if I'm having doubts or if I'm dumping her etc etc...maybe I just give off that vibe? I don't like long distance. Even simple things are hard when you're across the freakin country. It doesn't even really help to know that she's coming to visit in a few weeks. The fact that she set up the whole trip and is kinda like broke now is showing me even more that she likes me kinda way a lot more than I like her.

I think she's an awesome person. She's driven, down to earth, sensible, fun, caring, interesting. But being in a relationship with anyone right now might just not be what I need. Regardless of who it is. The fact that maybe 3 of my friends here know about her, and the fact that I don't want to really tell anyone at all probably says something. Like maybe this is a relationship I don't want to be in.

I don't know where to go from here or how to deal with this.

I hate always being the heartbreaker. I think I'm doomed.

Russsssssshhhhhhh...

...is amazing! I don't really know why I'm enjoying it so much to be honest, but at the end of each day I'm sad we don't have any more parties. Meeting all of the girls going through is really cool (7 rush crushes, anyone?), and I totally get to just stand/sit there and brag about alpha chi all day, which I like to do anyway so it totally works.

AND they all love us!! Which is like super amazing...apparently we've been getting some of the highest return rates and we're in the top 3 houses being talked about!! Take that *cough* kappa *cough*. And at least we're real and down to earth about it, that's the best part.

Only down side: I have no life. My reading is piling up like crazy and trying to get Invisible Children and Gulu Walk going is kind of a hectic process. Not to mention, you know, trying to stay in touch with friends and parents and such. I'll be excited to have a life again and not be stressed, but not so excited to be done with the excitement of recruitment. But I guess that'll just mean our brand new baby alpha chi's!!!

Ummm, what else is new? I like almost all of my classes which is kind of strange...in fact I only have one that I truly despise and that's the same one that I hated last year so no surprise there. I also haven't really been in a mood to party much since I got here, except for last thursday when the first (almost) full week of classes was done...and I pretty much died that night. Hense I will not be going out again any time soon. So much for this whole being 21 is awesome thing.

Mmmmm feelings. I don't like those. I have to figure out what they are before tomorrow. Why am I so awkward? I'm not meant for this whole thing. Yes, I'm uber vague. Deal with it. If you must know, ask...then you can give me advice!

Wow can you say rambling?

<3
K

OMFG GYMNASTICS

That's really all I have to say. Went to the gymnastics gym today and it was the best thing I've done since I got back, seriously. Love love love love I'm in loooooove. I'm going 4 times a week and I'm gonna be a gymnast again. I'm determined.

I'm gonna be in so much pain tomorrow. It was totally worth it. =)

Good But Edgy

So I could write right now about all of the great things that I love about Alpha Chi and how much I love living in the house and my sorority and all of these such things. Because I do. But tonight for some reason I'm just in an I'm annoyed kind of mood. So I'm going to rant.

People are bothering me. I don't know why this kind of thing upsets me so much (because it's none of my business) but it seems to have been happening with lots of people I know recently and I just wanna scream. Pet peeve: when girls (or guys I guess) have someone that is really crushing on them and making it totally awkward and creepy and it's really unwanted...and these girls don't do anything about it! Instead, they egg it on. Like Laela with Marcia - seriously it's not that hard to get rid of a girl. I mean, just don't lead someone on when they're being so forward and like "OMG I'm in love with you I always will be blah blah blah." And if that's not okay, SAY SOMETHING!!!

Like tonight, Amanda has this kinda weird guy Scott who really really likes her and broke up with his girlfriend for her and calls her non stop and is all girly and needy and annoying. And they started out as friends but now it's too far. Side note Amanda has a boyfriend and this sort of thing happens. But INSTEAD of saying "I'm sorry, I enjoy spending time with you as a friend, but it makes me really uncomfortable when you say things like that, and I'm not ever going to break up with Joey for anyone so stop trying to get in the way of our relationship. Thanks bye" she just like encourages it! For instance, being all flashy and dancing right in front of him, ya know, things you would do if you were flirting with a guy. She loves the attention! If I was Joey I would be so miserable all the time! UGH. I mean maybe it's not that simple, and I'm sure I guess I'm guilty of it sometimes too, but it just bothers me so much and this always happens with her and I just want to be like STOP! Same used to be with Laela. I dunno, I guess it's just a huge pet peeve of mine. And why I'm in kinda a bad mood tonight.

And there's just been so much pre recruitment and no more single room so I don't really have any time to myself and I can be my fair share of introverted and I haven't had a chance to do my own thing at all this week, and I really need to sometimes. I'm looking forward to class and socializing with friends from other houses and outside of the sorority. AKA I really miss Jillian! Boo. I think I'm just in a sad mood tonight. Thank god tomorrow is the last day of pre recruitment for now. I want my life back.

Hope you enjoyed my rant.

Summer 08 (AKA Reasons I'm Happy to be Done with Riannon)

Wow. Can you believe summer’s over? I certainly can’t. Where did the time go? I know I feel this way every year, but it never fails to amaze me. I’m never ready for it to end.

I was thinking back to the beginning of summer last night, and it’s amazing how things have changed. I almost forgot how depressed I was during those first weeks…thank god Kirsten finally came home! I love thinking about how much I’ve changed just in one summer. I stopped dealing with people’s bull shit, and I definitely stopped caring when dumb people got mad at me. Not to name names, but I’m so happy to not be friends with Dani anymore! I like living drama-free (which also kinda means staying away from Laela’s circle for the most part and that doesn’t bother me).

I like comparing this summer to last summer, especially because it makes me feel so good about this summer. This summer I spent a lot more time with the gym girls and Kirsten, and even though we had more drama than usual, at least I wasn’t ditching them for Riannon. I know we’re all getting busier with our lives outside of our little group, but I’m glad that our friendships are still holding up. It’ll be really interesting to see how the dynamics change now that all of us our in college. I hope Gracie and Lexa grow up a little bit and stop being so immature. I also hope that they stop being so clique-y that and Lex stops bringing other people down with her. But that will all remain to be seen.

Also different this summer I reconnected with Alexis and Cindy. I can finally be myself around them and not take all of their jokes personally like I used to. Hanging out with them is fun, and I’m much much happier that I’m friends with them again. Another reason to be thankful that Riannon is out of the picture, considering that was basically her fault. Unlike last summer, this time around I feel like I got to see everyone that I wanted to because I actually had time to.

Another reason that not being with Riannon made my summer SO much better – my parents. This was the first year that I actually cried for my parents the most when I got to the airport. My mom has finally become one of my friends now that I’m not sneaking around all the time, spending all of my time with Riannon and not coming home til the early hours of the morning. I think that’s my favorite part of this summer. I really can’t wait for my parents to come visit in October.

And finally, there’s Amy. I’m still kinda amazed at how different things are between us compared to Riannon. I know it must be annoying to her at least to keep comparing things, but I’ve just regretted everything with Riannon so much, so it makes me feel really good to realize that there are girls out there who can be complete opposites from her. Amy doesn’t have any drama, she actually cares for me instead of having all of her own issues, she has goals and passions and is doing everything she can to follow them and make them come true, she’s close with her parents, she has amazing friends and multiple good jobs, and most of all she treats me well. I’ve come a long way with this whole “she’s not my type” thing. I’ve learned that a person can be your type even if they don’t look like someone that you would normally be attracted to. I also can’t believe how much we’re like the stereotypical lesbians now, but oh well. I know I’m gonna miss her like crazy, and it’s gonna be hard to be at school, but I trust her to be strong enough for both of us, and if she’s not worried then I’m not worried (or I’ll try not to be). Already I feel better about things than I did with Riannon, and that’s definitely a good sign.

I accomplished a lot this summer, and even though I’m so so so sad to see summer end and to leave my home and friends and family, I think it was still near perfect and I wouldn’t really change anything. So long, summer 08 – you’ve been good to me =)

It's Been Awhile

I can't believe how fast summer is going. Or I guess I should say has gone, now that there are only 3 weeks left of it. It's weird thinking back on the beginning of the summer and how things have already changed so much for me since then. Sometimes I feel like I lose my sanity a little bit, being home for long periods of time. It's easy to lose myself I guess when I have to keep showing everyone around me that I'm different than I was in high school. Which is good, just a little tiring I guess.

I have to say though, O.A.R. concert last night was freaking amazing. I am so in love with them. Pretty much the best concert all summer. I just love how chill and happy their songs are, and how much fun it is to be in the crowd rockin out with all of my friends. I definitely am going to make sure that I'm home next summer for their concert again. I guess the gym girl beach trip and the O.A.R. concert are the two steady events each summer. I like it that way. I still kind of wish both would have lasted forever...

I'm starting to get all weird feeling now that summer's almost over. Leaving people makes me sappy. Friends are hard, even though I know they'll still be there when I get back. And somehow, I always manage to get attached to somebody, no matter how hard I try not to. I know it'll be easier once I'm back at school with recruitment and moving into the house and everything to keep my mind occupied (and I'm definitely sooo excited to get back to all of that), but thinking about it right now kinda sucks. It always does - but I'm trying to go with that whole carefree if it's meant to be it'll happen kinda attitude. At least that way I don't have any responsibility in the whole matter. Lame I know, but whatever.

This one is random, but my mom and I have been getting along SO WELL recently. It really makes me so very happy, especially compared to last summer. I guess I am home a lot more often and not always sneaking around with Riannon...I don't think my parents liked her very much even though they never really told me that. I'm working on finding one that they'll approve of. For after I get back from Africa, of course. But anyway, aside from not always telling my mom exactly where I'm going (but that's mostly because she would freak out about gas prices lol), I can talk to her about just about anything these days. Which rocks.

My dad's another story I guess, but I'm trying to work on that one. I just don't want to have regrets about our relationship, and I hate feeling like time is running out. But that's a topic for another day.

I'm tired. Sleep time!

A Birthday to End All Birthdays

So you were definitely wrong Julia. Life feels COMPLETELY different now that I'm 21. It's like there was this whole area of life that I didn't have access to and now I can go anywhere! Well, at least it feels that way. But anyway, to recap:

Basically, it was the most perfect birthday I have ever had. Started out with a wonderful and delicious birthday brunch on my deck with my parents. My dad made chocolate chip pancakes and my mom made fruit salad and we used to fancy dishes and my mom got me balloons and I got to open my presents from them. I got a new ipod! Finally...I mean it has been 4+ years since I got my other one. Here's what the brunch looked like:

After brunch, Gracie came over and we floated in the baby pool for a little bit. I'm working so hard on my tan (I mean freckles...)! Then I jetted over to get my haircut. I finally decided to get rid of the long hair and go with a shorter look, and I loooooove what Heather did with it. New haircuts like this make me happy! After my haircut, I continued the pampering with a pedicure =) The day was just so relaxing it was awesome.

Once I was all pampered and pretty, Kir came over and we went to the ABC store. Buying alcohol is SO EXCITING! Seriously, like a whole new world was opened up. Okay, I swear I'm not an alcoholic, it was just really exciting. When I brought my Bacardi Peach Red rum home I showed my dad, and he insisted that we all make drinks haha. So my first drink as an official 21 year-old was bacardi and orange juice with my dad and Kirsten. That's definitely memorable haha. And strange. Strange and memorable.

When everyone finalllly was ready we all went out to dinner at Mango Mike's. Nothing too spectacular - Kait and I ordered yummy mango margaritas and I got a giant beach hat that I got to keep!

And finally: the bars! Well, we only made it to Tom Tom's, but here's why. Kait, Lae and I were the only ones with IDs, and we were just kind of hoping and praying that Jillian and Kir would be able to get into the bars somehow. So after Laela harrased her neighbors (that she had just met) to try and let us borrow their IDs (her idea, not mine haha), we decided that the three of us would just go into the bar and see how easy it was to get in. Even though they definitely checked our IDs, it was still relatively easy because the bouncer looked at Lae's ID and was like "this isn't you" and she was like "no it's not" and he was just like "okay, whatever, go in." So that part was pretty easy. Oh and when the bouncer looked at my ID he told me to go up the stairs to the bar in the back and find a guy named "Whiskey" and tell him that Paul sent me. Which we promptly did, and all three of us got free shots! First free drink of the night haha.

Meanwhile, outside Kir and Jillian were trying to find a way to get in. First Jillian tried to use the ID that Laela had already used. Mind you, Jillian is very white, and Laela's ID (like Laela) is very Middle Eastern. Looked NOTHING LIKE Jillian. The bouncer looked at it and asked for Jillian's address, and she told him that she had moved and had a new address. And then he asked for her dad's name and she was like "I don't know my birth father, I'm adopted!" Clearly, that plan did not work haha. So they went back over to the steps to think of another plan. At which point the owner's son came out and told them that if they waited a little bit, he would sneak them around the back way and get them in. After like 20 minutes he took them around the back stairs, past all of the boxes and boxes of vodka, and up the stairs into the bar! So SOMEHOW everyone managed to get in and it was AMAZING!!

To quickly sum up the rest of the night at the bar, I got a million free drinks because it was my birthday (thanks to the birthday tiara and sash), ran into Zack's older brother by some weird strange coincidence, and met a bunch of Africans that all tried to make out with us. It was so much fun though, and we all got to dance and drink and be merry! We stayed at the bar til closing, and drunkenly found our way back to Laela's house, and of course passed out Laela didn't answer her phone and we had to figure out someway to get inside (which included me announcing that I knew the password for her garage...yeah, I just made that up, I have no clue why I thought I would know the password haha). Finally her mom answered Laela's phone and let us in, which apparently I couldn't stop talking about afterwards...I mean, I feel like that would have been pretty awkward. But anyway, somehow we managed to all fall into Laela's bed, where we preceded to drunk dial everyone in our phonebooks. After much biting on my part (I'm not really sure why), we finally all passed out. Aaaaand when I woke up, I was still drunk!

Wow, that was a long story. But I just had to share how amazing the day was. Truly the best birthday I've ever had. And I think now I've finally detoxed from the shit ton of alchy I drank. Who's up for round two?!

<3

What Else is There to Do

While sitting at work of course. I know soon we'll be starting fun new projects that I'm actually excited about, such as Resolve U (the college campaign), but for now, I have been checking my facebook and e-mail for the past hour. So I decided to write a blog. What a good time, right?

So I'm trying not to get back into my funk again. I don't know why all of the sudden today I feel like I am. Maybe it's all the stress of trying to organize thursday and make sure everyone has an ID (which I'm not sure is gonna happen) cause I want all of my friends there! Then I'm also worried that the places we go are gonna be lame and not fun or something, or that no one's gonna show up. I dunno, it's just stressful. I'm sure once the day is actually here though it'll be a lot of fun.

I guess I'm also just kinda confused about thoughts bouncing around in my head. This morning on my walk to work (an excellent time for thinking), I realized that probably my biggest regret from dating Riannon is allowing it to ruin my friendship with Zack. I wonder if I had actually listened to him at the beginning of last summer when he told me I shouldn't be dating her if we would still be friends. I still can't believe that everything that he told me was right and I just didn't want to hear it. Now I don't know if we'll be friends like we used to be. But hanging out with him recently made me realize how much I miss him as my best guy friend...cause obviously no one has filled that spot since him. Maybe I should just apologize. I just don't know if it's too late now. This probably has a lot to do with my weird mood.

Also my weight is stressing me out. Like it always does. I know it's stupid, I just can't stop thinking about it and freaking out. It's so annoying how a little number can put me in a bad mood for the rest of the day. This actually has the most to do with my weird mood, I'm sure of it.

Wow, I didn't mean to sit here and complain for like an hour. Now I feel like I have to write about something good. Well this morning I took care of my neighbor's cats for the last time until August. Even though I love the one, I'm happy not to have to wake up extra early anymore! Ummm, I'm almost done with my first econ class, that's pretty exciting. And the beach is in a week and a half, that's SUPER exciting!! Yayyy =)

Okay, I hope that turned around the depressing mood of my post. Oh, and...2 days! Just, ya know, in case you were wondering.

The Countdown

omgomgomgomgomgomgomgomg.

Yes, officially 1 week til I turn 21. Pretty sure I couldn't be more excited!

This last week is going to go by soooo slowly.

Olympic Trials

Wow what a weekend it has been. Watching the Olympic Trials seriously makes me so happy. Especially being able to watch with the gym girls and commenting on every single little thing, like the new scoring system, and the stupid commentators, and Olivia Courtney and Justin Spring and how we know them. Which actually makes me feel really cool even though other people probably don't think so lol. Gymnasts are the equivilant to movie stars to me.

I can't wait for them to announce the women's team! I'm so shocked that they made Raj an alternate, especially after the same thing happened to him 4 years ago. I feel bad for him, that must be awful. I hope he gets to actually compete cause I thought he was sooo good! I miss gymnastics, like watching it always makes me feel. I actually miss that feeling of competing and the nervousness and the preparation and just everything. I want it back. Nothing new there, of course.

I also feel SO MUCH BETTER now that the gym girls are all hanging out again. It's weird how they complete me. Like a night with them makes me feel like I belong somewhere. No one else from home makes me feel the way they do. I'm so excited for what else is to come this summer, that's for sure. Don't worry, I'll keep you posted =)

Stories From the Office

There is definitely a reason that I love going into work. Even though I'm exhausted from walking around the Senate buildings all day delivering letters, today was still amazing. Mostly because of the stories that Alison told from the weekend of having the northern Uganda delegation here. The stories were so funny that I have to share.

On Saturday, their last day here, Alison and Michael were taking the delegation to the airport, and they happened to drive through D.C. Anyone wanna guess what was going on in D.C. when they decided to drive through Dupont? Yup, that would be Pride. Just so you know, homosexuality is illegal in Uganda (I know, lame), so the delegation was kinda of shocked and appalled that such a thing would happen here. Alison was trying to explain to them what was going on, and the retired Anglican Bishop got really angry because he thought that the State paid for the parade, and Alison had to explain that the police were just there to escort the parade.

Anyway, so the delegation is driving through Dupont, observing men in leather and women in...not so much. The Acholi Chief (who is actually a KING in Uganda) got really confused and said "I don't understand. I know that we have homosexuals in Uganda, even though it is illegal. But here, how come the men dress like women and the women dress like men?" And Alison answered "Well, sometimes people's insides just don't match their outsides." After a few minutes, the Chief just nodded and said "okay."

Wow, I really did not do that story justice at all and I'm tempted to just delete this, but maybe someone will get the humor in it. I think if you had met the delegation you would understand how funny a sight it would be for them to be driving through the pride parade.

There may have been other stories too, but now I forget. Oh well.

I Need a Job

Badly. This 3 day a week internship thing is just not doin it for me...first of all I get no money out of it (or like negative money) and second I'm so freakin bored! It's good because I have lots of time to go to the gym and do my econ homework and stuff, but doing that every day gets really boring. Thus, I need a job.

On a happier note, I met Dani from Tila Tequila last night! She was...short. And not so attractive. But we did get to take a picture with her and that was cool. Yay for Gay!

I Only Look Straight

...aka pride!

It was an interesting one. Definitely not what I expected. After planning it for like 8 million months with Laela, I barely saw her at all. And Crystal didn't go. And I didn't see Maya, or Stacy, or Jessie, or Tristan, or Michelle, or Corey, or the other 50 billion people I was supposed to meet up with. Which was sad. Hanging out with Ashley and Tara and their friends was really fun though. Ashley and Tara are hilarious and Amy and I got along really well checking out all the hot girls haha. Oh and it rained like ALL DAY and I was pretty much drenched and gross and not excited.

After party was...not as special. Saw Riannon. She kinda appeared out of nowhere and scared the hell out of me. I think I awkwardly and drunkenly tried to hide behind Amy. Definitely was not so excited about seeing her. Also wish I could remember more. Damn drinking on an empty stomach.

Festival was hot. Felt kinda trainwrecked today, even after like 8 different energy drinks (yay free hand outs!). There were so many people there though and it was kinda overwhelming. Lots of cute couples and dogs! I got kissed by a cocker spanniel =)

Time to go do daughterly duties and such. Happy Father's Day!

The Beginning

First blog post. Ever. Interesting.

What is there to say? Lots on my mind lately about life in general.

Love the job/internship...I guess I can't really call it a job cause it's like negative pay. It's giving me lots of new things to think about. Especially about my role in all of this. Makes me want to study in Uganda next spring so bad! Trying to do things from here just isn't the same, I know that. But more on my job later.

Being home is also just messing with my head in general. Sometimes I think I have solid friends, but at the same time I feel like everything is always changing. At least it's not the same as it is when I'm at school. I think it's probably cause here I have a lot of time by myself and I'm really not used to that...I've felt really anti-social lately and I think it's probably a reason for my funk. If I could get out of it that would be GREAT!

Tomorrow's Pride and I'm not as excited for it as I was a month ago. I guess we'll just have to see how it goes.

Well, I'm pretty sure I said nothing in this post. I promise I'll get better. I also have no idea who the fuck will read this, and that probably makes a difference. Anyway, that's it for now. <3