let it snow!

i <3 snowboarding. and i <3 my snowboard. i don't <3 wiping out and hitting my head on the icy snow, but i'm not really complaining. my board is amazing! i may not be able to move for the next few days, but as soon as i'm recovered i'm going again!

I'm not even really sure what to say. Today oscillated between being so amazing and so...I don't even have a word to describe it. It was amazing because even after 3 years, the gym girls can all still get together (well, you know, the core ones that actually still care) and we can sit up and talk until 2:30 in the morning about everything under the sun. Even if we don't all talk during the school year, it's just like so amazing to me that we can all get together and still have so much to talk about and not have it be awkward! And seeing Kurt is always so good, even when he makes awkward comments about Lexa's nails and kisses Jordan on the cheek. It was just a really good night to take my mind off of the emotions of the day.

But then of course, in the 10 minutes that I drove from Allison's house to mine, I started thinking again. I don't think this is going to be coherent, cause even my thoughts are really jumbled, but I just started thinking about how my mom is sleeping alone in her bed tonight and how sad that makes me. My dad went to the hospital this morning to get a procedure done (I'm not really sure what, they don't really keep me informed and I usually choose to keep it that way), but my mom called later in the day to tell me that they found a few tumors in my dad's bladder and that they were most likely caused by the radiation treatment for his prostate because prostate cancer isn't really known to spread to the bladder. In which case, the tumors will probably to continue to come back as a result of the radiation. I kept trying to ask my mom what that meant, but she didn't really give me an answer, other than that he has to go back in a month to get another cat scan. But what does this mean for the bigger picture? Are they just tumors or are they more cancer? I'm scared to know the answer.

As I was finally starting to deal with that, my mom called back again to say that my dad was going to stay in the hospital over night because he had an irregular heartbeat. While she did text me later to say that his heartbeat was regular again and the cardiologist said that things were fine, he's still staying in the hospital tonight.

There are so many things going through my head and I don't really know how to sort them. There's the one category where I almost feel so disconnected from all this, like it's not happening to me. It's like over the past few years, I've come to see my dad as so old, almost like he's not my dad anymore but my grandfather. So while this seems like something that could happen to a grandfather, it doesn't seem like something that should be happening to my dad. Theoretically. But then, I feel like my whole life my dad has been sick (which isn't actually the truth), so this also just seems like a new turn.

Then I have thoughts about how sick and weak my dad is. And how uncomfortable I am with that idea. My mom asked if I wanted to go visit him in the hospital, and while part of me knows that I ran out of time between being in Fair Oaks and going to visit the gym, part of me also knows that I probably wouldn't have gone anyway. I can't stand when my dad looks so weak and sick, almost to the point where I'm angry at him for being that way. For some reason, in my head it's his fault that he's this sick because he hasn't taken good enough care of himself. In my head, it's like he likes being this sick because then he gets attention. But it's not okay. I don't want to be mad at him for being sick, but I want him to fight harder!

What really throws me over the edge though is thinking about my mom, sleeping all alone in that bed. How does she feel? What is it like to be fighting for your husband to stay alive when you feel so healthy? I almost have no doubt that my mom will easily live to be 100, which means she could live another 30-40 years of her live without my dad. That's the thought I can't stand to bear. Am I a bad person for worrying more about my mom than my dad? I want my dad to be okay, but if he isn't, I can't stand the thought of what it will do to my mom. I don't want this to be happening.

Am I freaking out over nothing? My mom tells me these things, and immediately I go into "how long will he live" mode. I don't know if we're there yet. I feel like I've been in this mode since sophomore year of high school, and it's faded into the background of all of our lives, probably more because I haven't been around. But it just seems like lately things have been piling up. I know that everyone has to die. It's unavoidable. But I want to believe that it can't happen in my life, not to someone I know. I can't wrap my head around the idea that one day my dad might not be here. It's even harder to grasp that that day might be here sooner than I think. That's not real. It's just not.

I just don't know. I really don't. I don't even know how to talk about this because I've spent the past 5 years pretending that my dad's not sick. He hasn't been. Not to me. But is he? I just don't know.

Kirsten, if you read this before I tell you...sorry I didn't say anything tonight. It's easier not to think about it, and I still don't know how I feel about it or what even to say about it so I just didn't say anything. I wanted to worry about other people's problems for the night and not think about my own. So, yeah.

Snowboard!!

=) Helloooo Burton Feelgood! Isn't it prettttyyyy? I wish I was taller because I liked the other colors better, but it does change colors in the snow! It also has a lot of cool features, but I can't remember what they are. I don't officially get it til Christmas, but it's sitting all pretty in my dad's closet. I keep going in there to look at it haha. I'm determined to go at least once a week...who's in?!

Snowed Out?

Yup, sitting here in the airport. My flight was supposed to leave an hour from now at 11:30. Instead, I'll be here until 1:30 am at least, waiting for our flight to depart. I don't understand what this "east coast" weather is, seeing as how it's not snowing in D.C....but it must be crazy! I better arrive home to a white Christmas, that's all I'm saying.

Wanna hear what I'm traveling with? I checked two bags, one weighed 68 pounds, the other weighed 48. Had to pay $70 for that. Then onto the airplane I'm bringing my AXO bag filled with clothes, my backpack, a purse and a slew of jackets that wouldn't fit into anything. I'm a little worried they're not gonna let me on the airplane, but I guess we'll find out! I will just be so happy to unload everything at home and not worry about carrying it around anymore. Trying to plan for 3 different types of weather - Virginia winter, Uganda spring and Virginia summer. Talk about extremes. SO ANNOYING. Oh well, I'll worry about it when the time comes.

Hmm, a plane just unloaded, maybe it will be one of mine! Haha yeah right, not 45 minutes before the plane was actually supposed to leave in the first place. Maybe I'll take a nap...

I'll Do Whatever it Takes to Be an Alpha Chi!

This is what I've been doing instead of studying...

http://www.vimeo.com/2566351

We're just that bad ass.

Chase Me

I wish I was better at playing hard to get.

In other news, we're counting down the days til the first final. As of tomorrow, there are 4 days. Expect at least 2 more posts between now and then considering I will still probably be ahead of the studying schedule. Maybe next time I'll actually have something real to write about and my life won't be a complete bore!

Dead Days

Today was straight up glorious. I knew I had to think of something to do with my day of absolute nothing to do, so I decided to go into the city and do my own thing. I started out in Union Square going in a few of the shops and doing a little book-xploring, and then realized that I wanted to go to the beach instead! So I found my way to the Muni which took me all the way to Ocean Beach. It was beautiful there, with tons of surfers, seagulls, gorgeous mountains in the background and just tons of room to walk up and down the beach. It was amazing. And so peaceful. I sat and watched the surfers, read my book, walked out to the water and stuck my toes in the FREEZING cold pacific ocean. It was just glorious. The best way to send a dead day out of Berkeley when everyone else is stressed and studying their asses off. So now that I've finally been to a beach in northern California, I felt compelled to make a list of all of the things that I want to do in norcal before I graduate. So here it is:

Half Moon Bay
Learn How to Surf
North Berkeley
Rose Garden
Go Snowboarding at Lake Tahoe
Muir Beach
Take a picture with the golden gate bridge in the background
MOMA
Berkeley Art Museum
49 Mile Scenic Drive
Wine Tasting in Napa
Oakland/SF Zoo
Make it to the top of the Fire Trail
See a show at Zellerbach
Bars: Kips, Triple Rock, Pyramid, Jupiter, White Horse, Castro Bars
Love Fest
Bay to Breakers
DeYoung Museum
San Francisco Ballet Nutcracker
Redwood Forest – Sequoia National Park
SF Pride, LA Pride
Stinson Beach
Bago to a Football Game
Go to a Women's Volleyball, Field Hockey, Softball, Soccer, and Rugby Game and Men's Rugby, Soccer and Gymnastics Game/Meet

I'm sure I'll have more to add, but this seems like a pretty good list for now. I'm going to have a lot to do when I get back from being abroad! But it's really exciting. I'll pick one of them to do tomorrow hopefully!

Can You Say Boredom?!

What. The. Hell.

It is finals week. About to be finals week at least. 2 more days of class. And I am utterly bored out of my mind. Would you like to hear why? Oh, maybe because I have a joke of a final tomorrow that I'm not gonna study for until like 20 minutes before class. Or maybe because my official finals don't start until the 18th, and even that one is only 50 multiple choice questions. So what do I have left to do? Yeah, the answer is pretty much nothing. I can't begin to tell you the number of hours I have wasted on the computer in the last few days. I really need a new project to work on or something to do out of the house or just SOMETHING! I'm even almost all done with my christmas shopping since I've done most of it online. Is that not just pathetic? Ew. I really could have taken a 5th class this semester. Ahh well, hindsight is 20/20.

We had a SUPER interesting discussion in soc class today. We had to read about our generation and porn and how we're the hook-up generation, and then we actually discussed that in lecture! It's weird to take what are basically the events of your life and have them be analyzed, but it's why I like being a soc major. It's kind of cool.

God, even my posts are boring. What the hell is wrong with me?! Someone get me out of this boring rut.

Good News!!!

...My dad doesn't have to start chemo yet!!!! =)

More to come later.

Thoughts

Glorious jetlag has me awake at 9 am on a day that I don't have class until 3:30. Lovely. But it's okay, I have A LOT to do, and probably a lot to write about also.

Where to begin? I guess I'll talk about by dad first. I had a really good talk with him on my last night at home. We talked about how I want him to take better care of himself and try to get in shape so that whatever happens with the chemo will be easier for his body to handle. I'm still really scared about how he'll react to the chemo, but he's going to delay it for a little bit so that he can try taking another dose of one of his medication. Hopefully that will bring his PSA down. My biggest fear right now is that he'll start chemo shortly before I leave for Uganda and then things will take a turn for the worse while I'm gone. I'm so scared of not being there if something bad happens. Just the though of it makes me start crying. I can't think about that.

I also think that the conversation made my relationship with my dad 10x better just in one night. He also showed me his journal from when he biked across Canada, and a newspaper article on him about how he ran all the time. Reading the article made me appreciate my dad so much...he had so much passion for running! In the article, he said he wanted to keep running until the day that he died. It must be really hard for him to not do it anymore. Reading the journal is also SO cool! It's like reading somebody's adventure diary. He's a really good writer, and it's like reading about his self-discovery. It's weird to make the connection between what I'm reading and who's actually writing it. It's really cool though, it makes me so glad to have the dad that I do. And that's a big step from the beginning of the week even.

There's also drama in the sorority right now, which I hate. The minor slate didn't pass last night, which is good. Now though, someone nominated me for assistant CRIC, which is a position that I really wanted. But Gillian and Jenn are also nominated, and if we all accept the nomination then we won't get the 71 votes we need to reslate the position. So I don't know what to do. I don't want to be selfish, but I really want that part during recruitment! I know Jenn shouldn't have it, and if I drop out maybe she will too, and Gillian could have it. I dunno, I'm really torn about what to do. I know I'll be really sad come pre-recruitment not to have a position. Even if I have one of the day chair spots. I just want all of this drama to be over! We have until wednesday night to get all of the signatures, so I need to decide ASAP if I accept the nomination. ARG! I guess I'll go talk to Meredith about it and see what she thinks.

So I was going to write about happier things, but this is all that came out. And now I need to start my epic pounds of homework. So farewell for now.