Thinking

Lots on my mind. I leave for Uganda in a week, and I couldn't be more excited about the adventures and the people and the life-changing experiences that are just around the corner. However, there are beginning to be some things that are hard to leave behind, and in the same way, I can't be leaving them behind soon enough.

We're about halfway through week 3 of dad's chemo, and he's really started to react to it now. He doesn't really get out of bed much, and when he does, he just grumbles and moans and complains. Of course he does, chemo sucks. But this has been his outlook on life for so long, that it's hard to deal with it getting worse instead of better. I hate when my dad plays the victim, I hate when he's sick. It's like he's not even the dad I know right now...I can't even talk to him about anything. I haven't been able to for awhile. It's almost like he doesn't exist in this house...I rarely even see him, even when he's home all day. He just lays in bed and sleeps with the bedroom door closed.

Will this get better? How can he stand even more chemo treatments...how long does this have to go on? What if he reaches a point where he can't take any more? Will he quit chemo and that will be the end of it? In a way, I hate being in my house right now because it makes me upset to see him so sick, and I get so mad that he's this way. It makes me want to leave so badly. But at the same time, I'm scared that things will get worse, and it'll be harder for my mom once I'm gone. 5 months is a long time. Anything can happen.

I just don't know. How did all of my posts become about my dad lately? I don't even realize I think about it so much until I sit down to write and this is what comes out.

At least my other blog will be happier. I hope! I made a separate one for Africa since I wanted my parents to have something to read and I obviously was not about to give them the link to this one. If you wanna read that one too, it's amanimeanspeace.blogspot.com.

Anyway, I was gonna write about other things, but I'm tired. Peace out.