Off to Africa

Soooo, in approximately 12 hours, I'll be on a plane to Uganda (well actually, London first, so in 24 hours I'll be headed to Uganda). Yikes! I started a different blog for my trip since I didn't really want people reading what's in this one. If you care to read it, it's at www.amanimeanspeace.blogspot.com

Wish me luck!

Curiosity Killed the Cat

I'm awful. I shouldn't have. But I did.

I just had to know if she wrote one of her stupid blogs about me. Or Tara. Soooo, I used Riannon's myspace (I know...I still know her password...I'm a horrible ex) and low and behold, I found the most hurtful letter, which neither of us would have been able to read of course. But curiosity got the best of me.

And so, since I don't plan on hacking into Riannon's myspace again before I leave (well, maybe I will, but this one sounded pretty final), I figured I'd put the letter here in case I need to process it again. I've always thought Ashley overreacted and was the one to be the victim, but this letter is pretty convincing. The only thing that really bothers me is the last paragraph. I don't know...too much to process.

Invisible Letter to an Invisible Person

be it incredibly childish, i felt the need to delete you from my myspace, and write you a letter you will never read.

why?
b/c im finally happy without you.


you have done nothing but give me pain and grief for the past 6 months
and before that- while i felt it was a dream come true, you made me jump through hoops that i should have never had to.

i don't know exactly how to define love,
but constantly proving oneself isn't it.

you wonder why i always compared myself to her?
b/c you forced me for MONTHS to compete with her.

i will never do that to her
she deserves every ounce of love i have to give.


you weren't ready for my love, and yet you took it.

you weren't ready to let go, but you did.

you didn't mean to shatter my world, and yet you crushed it.


i thought for a long time that you were my world.

then i thought that you destroyed my world.

now i know you were simply living in my world.

and all that power i thought you had? i gave it to you.

and thus- its mine to take back now.


i am stronger now than i was when i was with you.

im sick of you trying to play the victim.

im sick of you claiming to hurt.

im sick of having my happiness stolen by your texts.

im sick of feeling powerless over you.

im sick of allowing myself to care about your emotions.

its not my problem anymore.

it never was my problem.

i wash my hands of it.


i couldn't fix you then.

i can't fix you now.

stop looking at me to give you the answers.

the only answer you will get from me now is:
"take care of yourself-goodbye"

Seriously?

Scratch that, I now have something else to keep my mind occupied.

I fucking hate dyke drama. And whatever these crazy lesbian codes are that I'm not sure if I've even broken. This is why I stay away from lesbian circles these days, but even doing that apparently doesn't help when you talk to even 1 lesbian who is connected to ppl in the circle.

Seriously, why should it be any of her business, it's not like she didn't bring this on herself. If she wasn't lying about her feelings then she wouldn't have put herself in this situation in the first place. I guess not that I'm complaining cause I don't regret anything that's happened...not that I really tried to make this happen or anything, just...I hate drama. Especially immature, backhanded drama, like being deleted from someone's myspace friends. Who even CARES about that enough anymore to go through the effort of deleting someone. It's not like we've really talked in the past 4 months, so you can't claim that we were ever great friends to begin with. Whatever.

If you have a problem, say it to my face instead of blabbing it all of our mutual friends. That's all I want.

Thank god I'll be out of the country in 6 days (only reason I'm excited about that aspect) and won't have to deal with dyke drama for much longer.

I know I'm cryptic. I've already been the talk of the "town" (haha, I make my own puns), I'm not trying to bring more drama to my life.

Thinking

Lots on my mind. I leave for Uganda in a week, and I couldn't be more excited about the adventures and the people and the life-changing experiences that are just around the corner. However, there are beginning to be some things that are hard to leave behind, and in the same way, I can't be leaving them behind soon enough.

We're about halfway through week 3 of dad's chemo, and he's really started to react to it now. He doesn't really get out of bed much, and when he does, he just grumbles and moans and complains. Of course he does, chemo sucks. But this has been his outlook on life for so long, that it's hard to deal with it getting worse instead of better. I hate when my dad plays the victim, I hate when he's sick. It's like he's not even the dad I know right now...I can't even talk to him about anything. I haven't been able to for awhile. It's almost like he doesn't exist in this house...I rarely even see him, even when he's home all day. He just lays in bed and sleeps with the bedroom door closed.

Will this get better? How can he stand even more chemo treatments...how long does this have to go on? What if he reaches a point where he can't take any more? Will he quit chemo and that will be the end of it? In a way, I hate being in my house right now because it makes me upset to see him so sick, and I get so mad that he's this way. It makes me want to leave so badly. But at the same time, I'm scared that things will get worse, and it'll be harder for my mom once I'm gone. 5 months is a long time. Anything can happen.

I just don't know. How did all of my posts become about my dad lately? I don't even realize I think about it so much until I sit down to write and this is what comes out.

At least my other blog will be happier. I hope! I made a separate one for Africa since I wanted my parents to have something to read and I obviously was not about to give them the link to this one. If you wanna read that one too, it's amanimeanspeace.blogspot.com.

Anyway, I was gonna write about other things, but I'm tired. Peace out.

Out With the Old, In With the New

So I know this is a few days late, but I'm sitting in Maine, killing time until my sister in law comes back from work and takes me to the airport. What better time to figure out my new years resolutions? Even though I hate new years, I don't mind new years resolutions. I mean, I think you should be able to start over new any time you want, but at least for me it gives me a good reason to be a better person and to think about all of the crazy stuff that happened over the past year.

Kind of hard to believe it's already 2009. That's WAY too close to the year of graduation. Scary. But anyway, 2008 was a really good one, despite the way that it started (as a shit show, at a party with Riannon, of course. That's one thing I'm glad to have OUT of my life, girlfriend shitshowyness).

2008 came with the worst break up I've gone through, and the happiest time of my life after it was done with. It also came with more stupid attempts at long distance...whatevers....and meeting some really interesting people at school.

It came with a new amazing relationship with my mom that pretty much appeared out of thin air. It also came with a somewhat worse relationship with my dad, which also kind of appeared out of thin air.

It came with new friends at school, a new little sis (!), a new living situation, new fantastic jobs, and new grand adventures. Like I said, I think 2008 was my best year yet.

Sooo...here are the new years resolutions to go with (hopefully) an even better 2009:

Family
Stop being angry at my dad for being sick, and help him get rid of cancer for good.
Have the "I like girls" talk with the rest of my extended family aka niece my age and other sis in law (even though they already know)
Go on more family adventures and vacations

Friends
Be nicer and less judgemental in general
Stay in touch while abroad!
Find new gay friends at school and at home that aren't dramatic, petty or weird.

School
Figure out how to graduate on time!
Go to office hours more often with really cool professors
Get more active on campus with Africa related things
Start thinking about what I want to do with my life after Graduation

Myself
Be open to new experiences, be less afraid of change, and get everything possible out of study abroad!
Keep up with gymnastics
Eat healthier while at school
And finally...make life fun, no matter what!

Wow, that was a lot. Hopefully I'll keep them this year! =)

Happy New Year!