AHHHHH. This weekend has been ridiculous. I don't even know where to begin. Hmmm, how about I met a girl last night. Her name is cera and she's amazing. She went through recruitment this year and ended up in DG, so I knew her name and through some facebook stalking trying to figure out what houses girls ended up in, I discovered that she was gay. Didn't really think much of her cause I didn't meet her during recruitment, but lo and behold she's part of cal queer womyn and is best friends with a girl that I know...thus we met last night at "Thrust" (haha) the gay night at Blakes.
So we hit it off really well last night - she's really spunky and in your face, so she was really friendly so it was easy to talk to her, unlike all of the other girls in cal queer womyn who are just...odd. And MEAN! Anyway, I'll get to that later. So Cera and I hit it off, and after a lot of drunken dancing all over Blake's, we started making out, and proceeded to basically grope each other all over the dance floor for the next hour. Basically, it was amazing.
Until. Until someone came up and told her that Kaitlin (her best friend, the one that I know who is also gay) ran home crying because I told her that I liked Cera and then ran off and started dancing with Cera. And I told her that I thought it was because I thought Kaitlin liked me and then Cera got all worried about Kaitlin and ran off after her. So I didn't get her number :-( I facebook messaged her last night when I got home apologizing for the dyke drama and saying that I had fun still blah blah blah but she hasn't responded yet. And I know she's been on facebook. What if she just never responds? I always have these stupid doubts!
I even tried calling Kaitlin today to make sure she was okay and she didn't answer so I have a feeling she's not talking to me. Fucking dyke drama. I hate it.
God. I have a very serious love/hate relationship with crushes. Right now, I hate them.
Ugh.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Mind Over Body?
So I have these things that I need to write about. It's stuff that's always on my mind, and I'm not trying to be melodramatic, it's just there. So if you're going to read, please don't judge. It's just a disclaimer.
I woke up this morning and stepped on the scale, hoping that there might be some change in what I've been fighting with for awhile, and I thought I was doing better. But for some reason, I'm gaining weight instead of losing it. I'm pretty close to being back up to the weight that I was at the end of freshman year, and I don't understand why and it's completely pissing me off and frustrating me and making me feel hopeless and I just broke down. I feel like no matter what I do, it's not working and I have this visual in my head of me just constantly expanding. I know it's not entirely about the weight, because I have been working out more and the weight gain could be muscle, but I'm trying to base it on how my jeans fit - and right now they don't fit comfortably. I'm not happy with my body.
When did this all start? I know it was in the back of my mind towards the end of my gymnastics career but I don't think it was fueled by that. Of course, I wasn't the skinniest of gymnasts, I definitely had my fair share of Shawn Johnson legs, but I was pretty happy with my body and at least felt comfortable in it. Flash forward to the end of freshman year, and that happiness was pretty much gone. I had gained the freshman 10 (or more), mostly because I didn't know how to exercise without doing gymnastics, and I didn't know how to eat without doing that exercise. So I ate a lot and never worked out. Pretty much, it was a problem. This may have been when my anorexic mindset started, because I can remember at least one day that I refused to eat until dinner, and then when I did I still didn't feel any better. But I think it stopped after that one day - I just wasn't cut out for not eating. Not for me.
Flash foward to the summer after freshman year. I was determined to lose the weight that I had gained and at least look like an athlete again. I started keeping a diary of everything that I ate and weighing myself every morning. And I definitely cut back on what I was eating. At that point though, I think I was still being pretty healthy about everything, I just had an anorexic mindset in that I would feel bad everytime that I ate and would constantly worry about gaining weight. But somehow, it started to work. I was losing some weight, not a lot, but a little, and I was starting to feel better.
In walks Riannon. I don't mean to blame all of my problems on her, and I honestly can't say how things would have gone if she hadn't been in my life, but she was, and that's when things got worse. Riannon didn't like to admit or acknowledge that she didn't like to eat (aka, had an eating disorder) but looking back she definitely did. And I was eager to impress her, so when I was with her I would never admit to being hungry. She didn't eat dinner, I didn't eat dinner. She didn't eat breakfast, I didn't eat breakfast. By the end of the summer, I had lost 15 pounds. About halfway throught the summer, or even before that, I had stopped exercising. I've never really admitted it to myself, but those were definitely anorexic tendencies.
Problem was, I felt good about myself. I bought new pairs of jeans, and then those got loose, and I felt happy. I liked the way that I looked, and was proud of my body. Sure that might be twisted, but that was the way that I felt.
So the summer ended, and I came back to school. Sure enough (good or bad), while I still had that mindset, I didn't keep those anorexic eating habits. I ate dinner again (with the exception of a few days scattered here and there when I refused to eat more than yogurt and toast), started to exercise again, and somehow I was still keeping my weight down. It wasn't until the end of sophomore year that I really started to feel like I was gaining major weight again. I still don't understand where things shifted - why I didn't gain weight in the fall and why I did in the spring. In any case, this past summer didn't reverse the weight like the previous summer had, probably because I wasn't following an anorexic girlfriend around. I wasn't completely comfortable with my weight all summer, but I still wasn't overly obsessive over it. I wanted to continue to lose weight, but I didn't feel gross.
Fast forward to today. Like I said, whatever I'm doing, it's having the opposite effect of helping. I actually cried this morning when I saw how much I weighed. Which is stupid, and silly, but it's the way it is. Those jeans that used to be loose on me? Only one of them still fits. I want to be able to fit into all of those jeans again (I could all summer long!), and I want to feel comfortable in my body again. I know that it's a lot about my mindset and not my actual body, but that fact doesn't change the way that I feel.
I'm trying to patient and do this the healthy way. I can pick out some things to not eat that would make me healthier and lose weight (such as sweets and cheese), and that wouldn't be so bad. Sometimes I think that I know how to do it the correct way, but my brain tells my mouth to eat like I'm never gonna be fed again. No matter how much I think that I want to lose weight, my will power just doesn't seem to match that. And I don't even mean not eating all together, but just not eating the things that aren't healthy. So that's my real next step. I talked to my mom and Jon about it today, and I know what changes I'm gonna make. I just wish I could see quicker results so I could know if it was actually having any effect. Because if it doesn't, I don't know what I'm going to do.
I can't believe that I just wrote that much on my weight. If I actually told you what I weighed when I checked this morning, you would probably laugh and tell me to stop obsessing. But I can't. So please don't.
I woke up this morning and stepped on the scale, hoping that there might be some change in what I've been fighting with for awhile, and I thought I was doing better. But for some reason, I'm gaining weight instead of losing it. I'm pretty close to being back up to the weight that I was at the end of freshman year, and I don't understand why and it's completely pissing me off and frustrating me and making me feel hopeless and I just broke down. I feel like no matter what I do, it's not working and I have this visual in my head of me just constantly expanding. I know it's not entirely about the weight, because I have been working out more and the weight gain could be muscle, but I'm trying to base it on how my jeans fit - and right now they don't fit comfortably. I'm not happy with my body.
When did this all start? I know it was in the back of my mind towards the end of my gymnastics career but I don't think it was fueled by that. Of course, I wasn't the skinniest of gymnasts, I definitely had my fair share of Shawn Johnson legs, but I was pretty happy with my body and at least felt comfortable in it. Flash forward to the end of freshman year, and that happiness was pretty much gone. I had gained the freshman 10 (or more), mostly because I didn't know how to exercise without doing gymnastics, and I didn't know how to eat without doing that exercise. So I ate a lot and never worked out. Pretty much, it was a problem. This may have been when my anorexic mindset started, because I can remember at least one day that I refused to eat until dinner, and then when I did I still didn't feel any better. But I think it stopped after that one day - I just wasn't cut out for not eating. Not for me.
Flash foward to the summer after freshman year. I was determined to lose the weight that I had gained and at least look like an athlete again. I started keeping a diary of everything that I ate and weighing myself every morning. And I definitely cut back on what I was eating. At that point though, I think I was still being pretty healthy about everything, I just had an anorexic mindset in that I would feel bad everytime that I ate and would constantly worry about gaining weight. But somehow, it started to work. I was losing some weight, not a lot, but a little, and I was starting to feel better.
In walks Riannon. I don't mean to blame all of my problems on her, and I honestly can't say how things would have gone if she hadn't been in my life, but she was, and that's when things got worse. Riannon didn't like to admit or acknowledge that she didn't like to eat (aka, had an eating disorder) but looking back she definitely did. And I was eager to impress her, so when I was with her I would never admit to being hungry. She didn't eat dinner, I didn't eat dinner. She didn't eat breakfast, I didn't eat breakfast. By the end of the summer, I had lost 15 pounds. About halfway throught the summer, or even before that, I had stopped exercising. I've never really admitted it to myself, but those were definitely anorexic tendencies.
Problem was, I felt good about myself. I bought new pairs of jeans, and then those got loose, and I felt happy. I liked the way that I looked, and was proud of my body. Sure that might be twisted, but that was the way that I felt.
So the summer ended, and I came back to school. Sure enough (good or bad), while I still had that mindset, I didn't keep those anorexic eating habits. I ate dinner again (with the exception of a few days scattered here and there when I refused to eat more than yogurt and toast), started to exercise again, and somehow I was still keeping my weight down. It wasn't until the end of sophomore year that I really started to feel like I was gaining major weight again. I still don't understand where things shifted - why I didn't gain weight in the fall and why I did in the spring. In any case, this past summer didn't reverse the weight like the previous summer had, probably because I wasn't following an anorexic girlfriend around. I wasn't completely comfortable with my weight all summer, but I still wasn't overly obsessive over it. I wanted to continue to lose weight, but I didn't feel gross.
Fast forward to today. Like I said, whatever I'm doing, it's having the opposite effect of helping. I actually cried this morning when I saw how much I weighed. Which is stupid, and silly, but it's the way it is. Those jeans that used to be loose on me? Only one of them still fits. I want to be able to fit into all of those jeans again (I could all summer long!), and I want to feel comfortable in my body again. I know that it's a lot about my mindset and not my actual body, but that fact doesn't change the way that I feel.
I'm trying to patient and do this the healthy way. I can pick out some things to not eat that would make me healthier and lose weight (such as sweets and cheese), and that wouldn't be so bad. Sometimes I think that I know how to do it the correct way, but my brain tells my mouth to eat like I'm never gonna be fed again. No matter how much I think that I want to lose weight, my will power just doesn't seem to match that. And I don't even mean not eating all together, but just not eating the things that aren't healthy. So that's my real next step. I talked to my mom and Jon about it today, and I know what changes I'm gonna make. I just wish I could see quicker results so I could know if it was actually having any effect. Because if it doesn't, I don't know what I'm going to do.
I can't believe that I just wrote that much on my weight. If I actually told you what I weighed when I checked this morning, you would probably laugh and tell me to stop obsessing. But I can't. So please don't.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
*Insert Creative Title Here*
So much going on these days. Mostly right now I'm freaking out about study abroad. Why does it have to be that I need to take at least 2 classes this summer in order to graduate on time? Why does it have to be so difficult to figure all of this stuff out from out of state? And why do I have to figure out what my travel plans are for after my program by the middle of November?! That's so not enough time.
Ugh. I'll write a real update later.
Ugh. I'll write a real update later.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Blahhh
I. Hate. Midterms.
And being sick.
And not being able to sleep because of being sick.
And staying in every night of the weekend to study.
And clingy/intense/emotional girls.
Basically, I hate my life. At least until Friday.
And being sick.
And not being able to sleep because of being sick.
And staying in every night of the weekend to study.
And clingy/intense/emotional girls.
Basically, I hate my life. At least until Friday.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Obama-ama-ama-ama
I have Umbrella stuck in my head and then remembered this story I wanted to tell about Obama...hense the name of this post.
So I was on the bus in SF with my parents on Sunday, going from the Ferry Building to Fisherman's Wharf. There were 3 hispanic girls sitting around us, and they started talking about Obama because they saw a guy wearing an Obama shirt. One of the girls asked if the others wanted Obama to win. The one replied, "nawww, I don't want that Obama guy to win." The other girls asked her why and she said "I just don't." The other one who had been asked replied, "McCain is just like another Bush." This made her friend change her mind, and she said so, but the first girl didn't hear her so she repeated: "She just said that dick Republican dude is like another Bush. So I don't want him to win. But Obama's an A-rab." At first I didn't really know what she was saying but then she said it a few more times and I figured out that she was saying that Obama was Arab. Really?!?!?! The friend who had asked if they wanted Obama to win said "No no no that's just a rumor. I don't think it's a fact." One of her friends replied "There should be a hispanic dude running for president." She countered with "Yeah, but he would turn out to be a dictator. They all are. The president of Nicaragua is a total dictator right now." And then they started talking about other things.
But seriously?! I didn't think people actually thought that Obama was Arab!! How ridiculous. I thought it was funny though what they said about McCain.
Alright, that's my story of the night!
So I was on the bus in SF with my parents on Sunday, going from the Ferry Building to Fisherman's Wharf. There were 3 hispanic girls sitting around us, and they started talking about Obama because they saw a guy wearing an Obama shirt. One of the girls asked if the others wanted Obama to win. The one replied, "nawww, I don't want that Obama guy to win." The other girls asked her why and she said "I just don't." The other one who had been asked replied, "McCain is just like another Bush." This made her friend change her mind, and she said so, but the first girl didn't hear her so she repeated: "She just said that dick Republican dude is like another Bush. So I don't want him to win. But Obama's an A-rab." At first I didn't really know what she was saying but then she said it a few more times and I figured out that she was saying that Obama was Arab. Really?!?!?! The friend who had asked if they wanted Obama to win said "No no no that's just a rumor. I don't think it's a fact." One of her friends replied "There should be a hispanic dude running for president." She countered with "Yeah, but he would turn out to be a dictator. They all are. The president of Nicaragua is a total dictator right now." And then they started talking about other things.
But seriously?! I didn't think people actually thought that Obama was Arab!! How ridiculous. I thought it was funny though what they said about McCain.
Alright, that's my story of the night!
Monday, October 6, 2008
again? really?
shit. i'm so homesick already. and my parents are still staying in the hotel down the street. i said bye already, they leave tomorrow at 7 am. i just miss my mom a lot already. =(
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Hodgepodge
So much has gone on since the last time I wrote! Lets see, where to begin...
Amy left today. She's been here since Monday. It's weird...the whole time she was here I kinda wanted the week to be over, but now that she's gone I kinda miss her. Having her here was interesting - she's not like any of my other friends, especially in the house (duh). It was also just weird to have to hang out with someone all week long. I think that's why long distance is maybe good, cause you don't have to always hang out with them. But anyway, I feel kinda lonely now that she's not here. The week was cool cause we did so much (like the botanical gardens which i've never been to!) and I like adventuring with her, but I kinda feel like we have no chemistry. I feel more final about things being over (at least the officialness of all of it). Enough about that.
My parents are here! They got here yesterday morning and it's been really fun hanging out with them. My mom and I hiked up to the big C today and then they came to watch me coach the little kids (which is just so effing awful because they don't listen in the least bit). Tonight we also went out to dinner with Cody, Meredith, Annie and Gillian and it was really fun! My mom didn't embarrass me, and I think the girls actually had a good time! I have a feeling I'm gonna get really homesick when they leave. I already feel homesick, and they're still here. Why am I so mopey?!
On a good note, I got into my Uganda Study Abroad program!!!! I got the long awaited email the other night, saying that they expanded the program from 27 to 28, so I got a spot! It feels so good to finally be able to say with certainty that I'm going. But now I have a shit ton of paperwork to fill out and it's all due 2 weeks from the day I accepted which was like minute they sent the email. Just to add to the lovely busyness of the next few weeks. I can't wait for October 26th after midterms will be over and all of the walks that I have to organize and everything. Count down!
This post made no sense, I'm aware. I'm sooo tired, and I have to work in the morning. AKA I'm going to sleep. Night!
Amy left today. She's been here since Monday. It's weird...the whole time she was here I kinda wanted the week to be over, but now that she's gone I kinda miss her. Having her here was interesting - she's not like any of my other friends, especially in the house (duh). It was also just weird to have to hang out with someone all week long. I think that's why long distance is maybe good, cause you don't have to always hang out with them. But anyway, I feel kinda lonely now that she's not here. The week was cool cause we did so much (like the botanical gardens which i've never been to!) and I like adventuring with her, but I kinda feel like we have no chemistry. I feel more final about things being over (at least the officialness of all of it). Enough about that.
My parents are here! They got here yesterday morning and it's been really fun hanging out with them. My mom and I hiked up to the big C today and then they came to watch me coach the little kids (which is just so effing awful because they don't listen in the least bit). Tonight we also went out to dinner with Cody, Meredith, Annie and Gillian and it was really fun! My mom didn't embarrass me, and I think the girls actually had a good time! I have a feeling I'm gonna get really homesick when they leave. I already feel homesick, and they're still here. Why am I so mopey?!
On a good note, I got into my Uganda Study Abroad program!!!! I got the long awaited email the other night, saying that they expanded the program from 27 to 28, so I got a spot! It feels so good to finally be able to say with certainty that I'm going. But now I have a shit ton of paperwork to fill out and it's all due 2 weeks from the day I accepted which was like minute they sent the email. Just to add to the lovely busyness of the next few weeks. I can't wait for October 26th after midterms will be over and all of the walks that I have to organize and everything. Count down!
This post made no sense, I'm aware. I'm sooo tired, and I have to work in the morning. AKA I'm going to sleep. Night!
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