A Tear (or 80) and a Sigh of Relief

I think I did the right thing.

Final Thoughts and Conclusions

After all of that ridiculous writing and thinking last night, I think I've figured out what I need. Don't laugh cause I know this is obvious, but basically what I have to say is that I'm excited to see her when she comes to visit, but that I'm having serious doubts about my ability to do long distance, that I feel like it's taking me away from living my life here in Berkeley and that it's causing me stress. The issue I think would be a lot different if I went to school near home, but it's just unreasonable for me at this point in my life. Sometimes I just feel like I'm not at a point in my life when I'm mature enough for that kind of commitment. So there.

Now I'm just not sure how to go about telling someone such a thing.

On another note, I super duper love (go ahead make fun) living in the house, and being able to walk across the hall to someone's room to talk about the most random things. It's one of those things that just makes me so happy. And again, I just LOVE being an alpha chi. Okay that's enough.

xoxo
K

^i've watched too much gossip girl for my own good. so shoot me, i live in a sorority.

All Hail the Heartbreaker

...so maybe this spill canvas song is actually about being heartbroken, but the title seemed fitting. If you didn't know, that heartbreaker is me.

I don't think I've ever gotten all gross and mopey and cry-y so many times in one day over so many different things. First it was Carmon - it's not like I really knew her at all...meeting her once in passing at Pride doesn't really count as knowing someone. But I met her. And now she's gone. It doesn't really seem to affect me until I look at the groups on facebook (stupid I know) - when you read about how people are hurting and think about how much life she had to live, she was about to turn 21, and now it's just gone. I was pretty much a bawling mess earlier. Stuff like this just gets to me.

And then there's this whole Amy sitch (where the heartbreaker comes in). There's a reason I don't do long distance. Somehow, I always manage to forget what that reason is. Or I keep thinking that maybe things can be different. But they're not. When it comes down to it, I'm just still not ready for a relationship, especially still after psycho Riannon. Sometimes especially today I'm mad at Amy, like she pressured me into this. I told her from the beginning that I wasn't ready for anything serious. And I also told her how I was opposed to long-distance. Yet somehow, she kept trying, and now somehow we're dating. But then again, if I found someone that I really liked who would keep talking to me even if they weren't ready for anything serious, I probably would keep trying little by little to make something happen. So I can't be mad.

There's the whole issue of how I know she likes me a lot more than I like her. How does this always happen to me? When will it be my turn to be the heartbroken? Is that a stupid thing to think? I just wish I could know what it feels like to not constantly worry that I don't like who I'm supposed to like. At the same time, I almost feel like right now I need to be single. I'm going abroad in the spring, shouldn't I just have fun until then? I feel like I'm limited here and that it's not worth it because things will just end in a few months anyway. Like what's the point of being with someone for 4 months when you see them for maybe a total of 1 month of that time. Seems silly.

It's also hard when I feel like she's pretty insecure. Sure she can be the guy, but she still is constantly asking me if I'm having doubts or if I'm dumping her etc etc...maybe I just give off that vibe? I don't like long distance. Even simple things are hard when you're across the freakin country. It doesn't even really help to know that she's coming to visit in a few weeks. The fact that she set up the whole trip and is kinda like broke now is showing me even more that she likes me kinda way a lot more than I like her.

I think she's an awesome person. She's driven, down to earth, sensible, fun, caring, interesting. But being in a relationship with anyone right now might just not be what I need. Regardless of who it is. The fact that maybe 3 of my friends here know about her, and the fact that I don't want to really tell anyone at all probably says something. Like maybe this is a relationship I don't want to be in.

I don't know where to go from here or how to deal with this.

I hate always being the heartbreaker. I think I'm doomed.

Russsssssshhhhhhh...

...is amazing! I don't really know why I'm enjoying it so much to be honest, but at the end of each day I'm sad we don't have any more parties. Meeting all of the girls going through is really cool (7 rush crushes, anyone?), and I totally get to just stand/sit there and brag about alpha chi all day, which I like to do anyway so it totally works.

AND they all love us!! Which is like super amazing...apparently we've been getting some of the highest return rates and we're in the top 3 houses being talked about!! Take that *cough* kappa *cough*. And at least we're real and down to earth about it, that's the best part.

Only down side: I have no life. My reading is piling up like crazy and trying to get Invisible Children and Gulu Walk going is kind of a hectic process. Not to mention, you know, trying to stay in touch with friends and parents and such. I'll be excited to have a life again and not be stressed, but not so excited to be done with the excitement of recruitment. But I guess that'll just mean our brand new baby alpha chi's!!!

Ummm, what else is new? I like almost all of my classes which is kind of strange...in fact I only have one that I truly despise and that's the same one that I hated last year so no surprise there. I also haven't really been in a mood to party much since I got here, except for last thursday when the first (almost) full week of classes was done...and I pretty much died that night. Hense I will not be going out again any time soon. So much for this whole being 21 is awesome thing.

Mmmmm feelings. I don't like those. I have to figure out what they are before tomorrow. Why am I so awkward? I'm not meant for this whole thing. Yes, I'm uber vague. Deal with it. If you must know, ask...then you can give me advice!

Wow can you say rambling?

<3
K

OMFG GYMNASTICS

That's really all I have to say. Went to the gymnastics gym today and it was the best thing I've done since I got back, seriously. Love love love love I'm in loooooove. I'm going 4 times a week and I'm gonna be a gymnast again. I'm determined.

I'm gonna be in so much pain tomorrow. It was totally worth it. =)

Good But Edgy

So I could write right now about all of the great things that I love about Alpha Chi and how much I love living in the house and my sorority and all of these such things. Because I do. But tonight for some reason I'm just in an I'm annoyed kind of mood. So I'm going to rant.

People are bothering me. I don't know why this kind of thing upsets me so much (because it's none of my business) but it seems to have been happening with lots of people I know recently and I just wanna scream. Pet peeve: when girls (or guys I guess) have someone that is really crushing on them and making it totally awkward and creepy and it's really unwanted...and these girls don't do anything about it! Instead, they egg it on. Like Laela with Marcia - seriously it's not that hard to get rid of a girl. I mean, just don't lead someone on when they're being so forward and like "OMG I'm in love with you I always will be blah blah blah." And if that's not okay, SAY SOMETHING!!!

Like tonight, Amanda has this kinda weird guy Scott who really really likes her and broke up with his girlfriend for her and calls her non stop and is all girly and needy and annoying. And they started out as friends but now it's too far. Side note Amanda has a boyfriend and this sort of thing happens. But INSTEAD of saying "I'm sorry, I enjoy spending time with you as a friend, but it makes me really uncomfortable when you say things like that, and I'm not ever going to break up with Joey for anyone so stop trying to get in the way of our relationship. Thanks bye" she just like encourages it! For instance, being all flashy and dancing right in front of him, ya know, things you would do if you were flirting with a guy. She loves the attention! If I was Joey I would be so miserable all the time! UGH. I mean maybe it's not that simple, and I'm sure I guess I'm guilty of it sometimes too, but it just bothers me so much and this always happens with her and I just want to be like STOP! Same used to be with Laela. I dunno, I guess it's just a huge pet peeve of mine. And why I'm in kinda a bad mood tonight.

And there's just been so much pre recruitment and no more single room so I don't really have any time to myself and I can be my fair share of introverted and I haven't had a chance to do my own thing at all this week, and I really need to sometimes. I'm looking forward to class and socializing with friends from other houses and outside of the sorority. AKA I really miss Jillian! Boo. I think I'm just in a sad mood tonight. Thank god tomorrow is the last day of pre recruitment for now. I want my life back.

Hope you enjoyed my rant.

Summer 08 (AKA Reasons I'm Happy to be Done with Riannon)

Wow. Can you believe summer’s over? I certainly can’t. Where did the time go? I know I feel this way every year, but it never fails to amaze me. I’m never ready for it to end.

I was thinking back to the beginning of summer last night, and it’s amazing how things have changed. I almost forgot how depressed I was during those first weeks…thank god Kirsten finally came home! I love thinking about how much I’ve changed just in one summer. I stopped dealing with people’s bull shit, and I definitely stopped caring when dumb people got mad at me. Not to name names, but I’m so happy to not be friends with Dani anymore! I like living drama-free (which also kinda means staying away from Laela’s circle for the most part and that doesn’t bother me).

I like comparing this summer to last summer, especially because it makes me feel so good about this summer. This summer I spent a lot more time with the gym girls and Kirsten, and even though we had more drama than usual, at least I wasn’t ditching them for Riannon. I know we’re all getting busier with our lives outside of our little group, but I’m glad that our friendships are still holding up. It’ll be really interesting to see how the dynamics change now that all of us our in college. I hope Gracie and Lexa grow up a little bit and stop being so immature. I also hope that they stop being so clique-y that and Lex stops bringing other people down with her. But that will all remain to be seen.

Also different this summer I reconnected with Alexis and Cindy. I can finally be myself around them and not take all of their jokes personally like I used to. Hanging out with them is fun, and I’m much much happier that I’m friends with them again. Another reason to be thankful that Riannon is out of the picture, considering that was basically her fault. Unlike last summer, this time around I feel like I got to see everyone that I wanted to because I actually had time to.

Another reason that not being with Riannon made my summer SO much better – my parents. This was the first year that I actually cried for my parents the most when I got to the airport. My mom has finally become one of my friends now that I’m not sneaking around all the time, spending all of my time with Riannon and not coming home til the early hours of the morning. I think that’s my favorite part of this summer. I really can’t wait for my parents to come visit in October.

And finally, there’s Amy. I’m still kinda amazed at how different things are between us compared to Riannon. I know it must be annoying to her at least to keep comparing things, but I’ve just regretted everything with Riannon so much, so it makes me feel really good to realize that there are girls out there who can be complete opposites from her. Amy doesn’t have any drama, she actually cares for me instead of having all of her own issues, she has goals and passions and is doing everything she can to follow them and make them come true, she’s close with her parents, she has amazing friends and multiple good jobs, and most of all she treats me well. I’ve come a long way with this whole “she’s not my type” thing. I’ve learned that a person can be your type even if they don’t look like someone that you would normally be attracted to. I also can’t believe how much we’re like the stereotypical lesbians now, but oh well. I know I’m gonna miss her like crazy, and it’s gonna be hard to be at school, but I trust her to be strong enough for both of us, and if she’s not worried then I’m not worried (or I’ll try not to be). Already I feel better about things than I did with Riannon, and that’s definitely a good sign.

I accomplished a lot this summer, and even though I’m so so so sad to see summer end and to leave my home and friends and family, I think it was still near perfect and I wouldn’t really change anything. So long, summer 08 – you’ve been good to me =)